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Very very quickly...

HaPpY hApPy NEW YEAR !!!!

Enjoy yourself, be merry...or not.

I'm off to my gran's, my belly full of reheated spaghetti bolognaise (which I made myself). Feeling Okay. Feeling Okay.

Tomorrow, whenever I wake up - 2004: Well...

But I think from my blog, you can conclude that quite a bit changed: my life is fucked up: too much, too much my dear, has happened....

So erm, yeah. New Year everybody.

~ South East Asia - I'm so sorry ~

Can't help being useless, can I? But I can say sorry...
Gotta go. 2005, another year, awaits.

Hmmm

I told myself that I would do a politics essay just after I've finished this apple (which is gorgeous, but you can't see it, canya?). Hmmm, cos you see I've finished the apple and I'm still writing....

Darn, I wish I hadn't gotten so lazy. But I swear, when college starts I'm going to get so mad busy this holiday will be a dream. I've found this really cool magazine that is for young people and writes about hot, underground music and the latest fashion. AND they want people to work for them! The way they work is a sort of writing academy for young writers like me. I will work for them for free, and in return my work gets published, and I am able to build up my portfolio further. It's a good deal. It really is. I've found two mags like this already, my luck must be going up.

I'm also gonna be head editor for this feature on second generation young people, although that is moving slowly at the moment. And there's also the training gig with the 11 year olds. This time I'm going to teach the more technical points of writing for the internet, which I know almost nothing about. Should be fun!

What else? Oh, AS levels and Oxbridge applications, I'm guessing that should be like, top priority and take up all my time and all that. If only I cared!

Anything else? Alice, my amazing girlfriend. Things have been weird, but I'm better now and nothing else and nothing else is going to change that. And when was the last time I cut? I think it was Christmas Eve, but it meant nothing. It's a routine, unemotional, insurance cut to make sure the Big Day went smoothly and I didn't burst into tears or anything distracting.

Could life get better? Well, my poetry is going really well, and I'm really getting into my style. I went onto the BBC site for tips that didn't make my blood boil, and found some structure designs, including this french one called the Rondeau, which is simple, poignant, old, v. rhythmic and French. I love it. I am purged. And...I was talking to Ali last night about stuff and she told me a bit about this secret book. I can't tell you anything cos I don't know that much, but when she finishes her first draft I'm soo reading it. And as she was talking about her cult book project, I remembered my story from last April (April! AND I still dream about it sometimes), and I thought to myself I HAD to read it. And I did, making mini changes with my red pen (well, the most you can do at 1 in the morning) and I found holes - major ones in the plot, and I'm building them back up. I just need a proper, logical, almost emotionally blank outline. I need to know what I'm going to do, I can do it quicker and better that way, right? Can anyone help me on this? Oh well, but I think that's my *resoulution*. But its not really, or of course, I'll never get it done, like ever!

Christmas Cheer, Christmas Calamity, and Christmas Callousness

Babe, I'm just writing that for the title ;)

Today was a getting the turkey day. Of course, in Britain, as in everywhere else (as sure I am in my self-contained world) turkey is v. important. Brits eat 10 million turkeys during the Christmas season. There are guaranteed cat fights over the last Turkey in Tesco every year.

It started last night, when at 11:30pm, me and Dad left for Tesco. This was a good, but hilarious move for although it was better, it was only more slightly bearable than usual. Somehow we spent £126 on total crap such as chocolate and yoghurts and loads of good good cheese. I have to say though, that even at midnight in the corporate oasis you have crazy people, half asleep meglomaniacs or just poor alpha males whining "baby, I just want to go sleeeeeep! Sleeeeep!". I'm afraid to say that shopping, especially christmas shopping is a woman's and this is from experiences of a 10 year old girl writing the lists, signing the cards and begging the bro to wrap everything and getting none of the credit. We even had some mad woman nick our mince pies when our backs were turned! We finished putting everything away at 1am - to bed with me...

I couldn't stop thinking about eating. I hadn't really been eating properly since I realised I was losing weight. I'm not anorexic - I just don't want/deserve to eat until I fit into that shows off my flat stomach...but each and every year, for once in a blue moon (they come round once a year, right?) there is chocolate! and biscuits! and too much ice cream in the house! Red fucking alert, I mean the stomach's coming back with a vengeance. But no, so far I've been good, maybe I'll actually lose weight over the holidays...

That communist (nice ghosts that don't solidify) idea flew outta the window when I saw the turkey we bought. It totally fleeced us as nearly a cost of £60, and this was 28 pounds of turkey madness. I couldn't lift the damn thing, and I gotta help grandma make the stuffing for it tomorrow. Crazy drivers doing u-turns in a busy high street (Dad), rushing around with massive bags of rice, planning what to cook for my Boxing day dessert, I have a nice thin sheen of a headache now. Lovely.

But you gotta love Christmas! I just can't wait to see my family, and have some good good food with you know, good good people. I really shouldn't like, dislike hating christmas so much. I'm going off to write some good poetry and I'm never using the word 'good' again.
There.

Something I love

A little project. I want to write something brilliant for my creative writing club in the New Year. Moreover, I want to write something happy:

I wish to write about everything that there is impossible to write about. I love to write.

You see, when I want to express myself all I have to do these days is put pen to paper. I don’t even have to write something substantial. And then all my crap, all my feelings are made into something useful, something that I can look back and call upon.

For me, writing puts things into such great perspective I almost get a feeling of vertigo, and I remember that there are so many things I love, though sometimes it appears to be so little. Maybe it’s a case of a “whoa!” factor of my Storybox. Its basically a file folder thing in which all my poetry, songs, stories and good random stuff I want to be remembered for is put into. Now, I’ve made one every year, in the second or third week of June for 5 years.

But you know something I would love to be able to do? Write Slash. It’s the most brilliant art form in a way, fanfiction for its does put your creativity to the test. Its not your baby, and you different expectations to the original writer, and you would have a different style that could ruin the whole plot. The writer of fanfiction cannot just put their head down and get to it. They have to keep all these things in mind, and write like a novel: lots of dialogue, development of character, maintenance of plot without alienating the readers who already have an expectation of the background, history of the characters and their assigned personalities. It’s a tough gig. But once you get into it, its magical because you already have a fan base and its always spellbinding to see what is possible in an alternative universe of a story such as Harry Potter, an what could happen in that alternative universe. Oh, just the thought of it makes me giddy.

Crawling out

I'll make this short. I've been at Oxfam, or partying, or studying. Now I'm doing none of these. Its my day off. Then on monday I'm going to become lead editor on a story about second generation young peeps, finishing a newsletter (yes, a newsletter. Journalism doesn't sleep-its on the CYB residential in Mancs I went to on the 4th/5th december) then I'm meeting up with Ria and we're going to Earls Court to see MUSE !! !! !! Ahem, should be brilliant - everytime I mention it someone else I know is going. People are begging for tickets, The Zutons, who rock, are supporting and I'm going to hang with Ria and give her a massive hug.

I want to be poetic, but I haven't got the time, for I'm tidying up the house to make Dad sweet for tomorrow, as I'll be away from home all day and night, and Ria will sleeping over. Then I have the GYUK meet, but I won't stay long and I'll leave with Alice. Then theres the Children's Express christmas party/showcase which I might go to...then I'm cooking some cakes and then there's Xmas...then Hollie's birthday party, then the new year, then College on the 4th. When the hell am I supposed to do my Classics coursework???

Relax?

PAH!

At least I'll get to eat. Eventually. I'll make it up on Christmas day...

I'd also like to proclaim that me, and Alice M.P have been girlfriend and girlfriend for a month. Today, the 19th of December, is our one month anniversary.

We met up at a party yesterday. We waltzed to the Spice Girls. I think I'm falling in love with her. She has made my life so much brighter, and she is my english rose. She literally gave me one yesterday. If you listened to Paul Weller, you'd understand.

Quote of the Day

"Excuuuse me, I'm conversating, OK? Con-ver-sat-ing!!"

Ah, bad grammar from a hiphop bunny in the library's computer room. Horribly funny, especially if you're trying to write the most pointless essay in the world...Doo be doo.

Get a Grip

I'm emailing my blogpost this time. Well, I've shook off my hormonal, self-pitying selfish weirdo of me last night and got a grip. I'm really glad for it.

I was listening my cutting CD (yes I have a CD, though not especially made), when Cry by Alex Parks came on, and I was reading my old diary. It had my original 20+ wishes. I had completed a lot of them - going out into Central london, getting lost in a place I can get unlost in, coming out to dad, getting a job, changing the world just a little and one of my favourite: "to write loads, reams and masses." Done that too. I also realised I had a beautiful girlfriend who I had blew off yesterday cos my mind was that fucked up; that I had been making myself throw up while my Dad was relaxing to jazz downstairs. I realised how bratty I had been. Yeah, I had hit a rock bottom of sorts, and I needed breathing space but it didn't mean I had to push everyone away. I'm better than that. And so, I got a grip on my dissolving grip. I didn't cut last night. And today wasn't too bad. But I have an essay to write and time too is dissolving (until thursday 17th when Xmas hols start)