V. Day

So...Valentine's Day.

Being extremely single, and with all of my friends taken this day is not going to be absolutely brilliant. But then, this happened: my brother called me into his room with a serious look on his face because he's been dating his girl (she's lovely) for 6 months and wanted ideas (it's pretty straightforward: Good chocolate, dozen red roses, or precious jewelry as it's their first V. Day.) So then, he offered me money to kick me out of the house. I got £15...which is ok because at least I'm getting money out of being single and it'll be a great anecdote when I see my friends on Thursday, yet this is also pathetic because I planned to gorge on chocolate all day and continue with my assignment which is scaring me more and more (again I plead: Does anyone know ANYTHING about the Chinese Cultural Revolution???) and I couldn't concentrate yesterday because on Sunday night I was bouncing off the walls and cut myself really badly. My Dad has taken the alcohol out of the house and locked it away in the shed, and is planning to do the same with the medication, thanks to my psych's recommendations. She's also thinking of giving me some medication. Yay! Because I'm going to need something to get through the next few months, let alone days. I got my mock exams on Monday which I want to get an A on...so much for coping.

Sigh. I wish I could handle things better than this. I find myself with two or more major things to do

1. Choose my university and go to some open days
2. Complete my assignment
3. Prepare for Mock exams
4. Get organised in general

...And I just start freaking out and I can't deal. This is not good.

Then I think about love. At the moment I'm not really fancying people. I'm not into those lovely dizzy crushes people seem to get, where you agonize over your desire, because things seem to become a lot more fun at those times. I also don't the chance to cut the rug at any lesbian clubs which would be a lot of fun and get me into contact with some...one. I'm just too busy to fall in love, which would usually mean someone fantastic would be coming into my life but it's not happening. So I'm in a very strange single position, but I'll figure it out. I wonder if anyone will get proposed to today...

Peace and Quiet

This is my favourite view of London, although this picture doesn't capture it's full beauty...because now the trees that line the bank have pretty blue fairy lights in the branches...and if you look on the side of the London Eye and Houses of Parliament the eye is lit up with red and green lights...I went into London yesterday and I loved the bus journey, as it went through Aldwych and launched itself onto the Westminister bridge and speeds over the Thames...

I've been feeling very lonely recently and ended up drinking some sneaky whisky with my turkey pasta tonight. I dunno, I just feel as if I can't talk to anyone. No one seems to tell I'm down, even though I'm trying to be obvious. I just want people to hug me/a good conversation. And just the fact that I'm trying to obvious makes me feel...queasy. It's not fair. Is it my fault that my friends simply disappear when I need somebody? I just feel like I'm being attacked on all sides from college (big mock exam and big 3,000 word personal project - so I'll be busy) from society because I don't listen to enough insipid modern RnB music, because I'm single and everyone I know has suddenly become busy on Tuesday. The way I see it, on Saturday, no matter what happens I'm going to pamper myself and buy lots of clothes for myself because people just aren't helping.

I'd feel safer in my cocoon if I could get some peace and quiet. Like at the library, trying to read up on Chairman Mao - pen clicking and cackling and whispering everywhere, including the odd bang and strange machine noises - I could barely work and I found myself wanting to strangle the girl on my right cackling about her boyfriend Brian who has a small penis - like I care! I just need a release/bitch/moan/cry/cut/hug/fight/vant and this blog is the only thing I can get through to at the moment. And in response to Lioness and my picture: I will get a picture of yours truly soon enough when I learn how to use a scanner...and take a photo :)

Hot Damn!

Hey, I haven't been in recently because I've been trapped in a haze of illness - I was sneezing at first but now I've got the mixture of a smoker's lung cough and the old man wheeze. Combined with my pink parka and blue hair I've been scaring more old ladies on the street. Ooh, I got a "Hot Damn!" from two black guys yesterday on the tube, which always make you feel good when your head is full of snot, hehe. Life is fine, although, I was omitted from DM's blog friend list, but I'll be emailing her about that...

And, I have to go anyway. My Dad has taken my sleeping problem into his own hands and is due to take away the laptop any minute now. It's some sort of curfew - I have to put it in Dad's room after 10, which is fair but it's my best blogging time, when I'm not doing my homework and I like listening to music on it...so I'll have to get used to life without it all over again - don't worry, I'll still post loads about life and chaos and djing (my teacher says I've done great progress - I mixed my first two tracks today!!!! But no one cares... :( I'll be blogging soon enough, no worries. But I would love for my readers to send me a comment, stop by, relax...

The Perfect Potential

The future is a tricky subject. No matter how much you try to observe it, try to predict it, you’re going to fail – be it to a greater or later extent. Today I had my psych appointment who asked me where I thought I would be in 5 years time. It’s a question I’ve always hated because I think its shite. See, what you think could happen in the future is potentially true, as well as it is potentially false. All the happiness and all of the sadness holds in the future is potential, and frankly, potential is shite.

So I gave her a pre-prepared answer because it’s just one of those default/convention questions that everyone hates but do it anyway, like how are you? About 7 times in your life you end up regretting asking the question (like when I ended up patting the shoulder of a colleague who burst into a tirade of tears during my work experience when I was 15. I bet she thought that wasn’t where she wasn’t going to end up at her age...) I say I’m going to be a successful journalist, or I’ll be on my gap year, gutting fish and learning Icelandic with Ria, or will I be completely down and out? It’s all shite in the end because I don’t know the future and it scares the hell out of me.

Reading this article, thinking about the breakdown of the church, and with the world becoming the neo-revisionist hellhole with a corporate brand on its ass I can’t help but feel that human nature has progressed so far all we can go is down and out. I remember all of these tacky Tomorrow World shows where the future was shiny and happy and everyone lived for ever and that was a good thing and there was World Peace – the world had the anti-climatic ending and didn’t end with a blazing sunset (from all the pollution). The future seemed so bright it was one of literary’s academic purposes to present a negative future which was way ahead in the future. Now all of these future ideas have the piss being taken out of them; it’s supposed to be a rational time, right? But now the future in these articles are so negative, it seems different to the horror over rock and roll somehow – whats left to progress in culture? Am I an old fuddy, or is the fate of the human race really and truly in the hands of computer peeps and scientists with syringes? Are we now going to have literate that saves us from our horrible potential future? Or am I talking shite?

I am guilty of reading horoscopes because sometimes they’re right and its always nice to have someone making all the decisions that I won’t have live my over, and they’re fun anyways. Yet, for 2006 I’ve been all over the net and I can’t find a coherent prediction for 2006, and it unsettles me for some reason, as if this year fate really is in my year, of all years where my life can go one way or another – my mind could crumble, I could fall into my eating disorders, or my depression (again) or my alcoholism. I could do not so well on my A levels and not get into university. Or I might meet somebody (I’ve been wondering if I’m going to fall in love with anyone anytime soon because I feel loveless and its twisting my heart like rags. Or it could all go right, and this will be the real beginning to the rest of my life. I’m not entirely sure why I’m sitting here, waiting, panicking, blogging about it.

Random Meme

Today has been rocky and windy. The driveway has been completely dug up but the builder we're entrusting to make into paved goodness has run off with £800 of our money and me and Dad don't know if we're going to see him again! So all we can do is wait. I've had the day off college today and managed to recharge my batteries as I battle homework derailed by my Moment of Madness in November and then some political homework essays...so I got bored and took a quiz and -

You Are Sunshine

Soothing and calmYou are often held up by others as the idealBut too much of you, and they'll get burned You are best known for: your warmth Your dominant state: connecting

What Type of Weather Are You?

The Day Conversation Died

After sleeping for over ten hours, I began Monday by spurning my alarm clock's advances. By the time I paid it any attention it was 10:30 and my first and only lesson of the day was starting in half an hour. I have to say I even impressed myself - awake, dressed, washed and ready for school in under 15 minutes, I was only twenty minutes late for my riveting lesson on Liberalism. I did feel for my lecturer, Thomas. Being at a FE college seems to loosen lecturer's tongue - they just seem to despair more than most teachers in sixth form colleges. He compared himself to the monks and nuns who were the first teachers at Cambridge and Oxbridge: "We give up our lives for you!" Note, this was not said in a hysterical neurotic way, just a jokey clenched smile way that was generally fact. They keep reminding me why I should never be a teacher but I can't help but be interested.

Anyways, after this me and Ric went for our typical cafe lunch thing with Alec. It went fine for 20 minutes, but then the conversation just died, like a vacuum going down the side of the sofa and getting all the crumbs...fufft. It was horrible. It wasn't like a natural silence, or a comfortable thing; it just came out nowhere and we had to re-evaluate our lives. What were we doing? We had nothing to say - no one was breaking down, our families were fine, Ric had made a deal with Rene to just avoid each other in the future. I was going to see Ria, three buses later. Things are in fact, quite pleasant. So why the silence? Does happiness need no such chatter? No, it was just things were well, boring. Having literally nothing to say is a staple of college life we learn to live with. Cos no one is that interesting. I just need to live a little more. So...

Three buses later I was at Ria's abode, after not seeing my Best Friend In The Universe (B-FIT-U) since before Chrismas, so we shared extra special hugs, and excited her by telling her about this chocolate cafe in Kingston that does chocolate fondue...oh, and I should mention that she was in her jammies at 3pm when I came down, and when I left at 5:30 she was about to change out of them. It's very Ria of her. :) (And hellooo to Ria's boyf Duluxl if he's reading.)

We had a lovely cup of tea because I was freezing and watched The Anchorman with Will Ferrell which I thought was hilarious and had many people I loved like Ben Stiller and the guy from the Wedding Crashers. We didn't speak as much as usual. We didn't need to. We just needed to comfort each other and hope our problems would go away. Here, conservation died but it was a glorious death and I'm sure it'll resurrect itself no problem.

Now, it's five to 1 am and I need to be up in 5 and a half hours so I'm going. Bye. Oh, and today (well, yesterday) was the most miserable day of the year. I beg to differ: The 12th is way worse cos then you realise this year is pretty much the same as the last, right? And on this note I bid you adieu, or something:

"Well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee,
And never ever watch the ten o'clock news.
Maybe you should kiss someone nice
Or lick a rock
Or both
Maybe you should cut your own hair
Cause that can be so funny
It doesn't cost any money
And it always grows back,
Hair grows even after you're dead

...People are just people
They shouldn't make you nervous
The world is everlasting,
It's coming and its going" (Ghost of Corporate Future, Regina Spektor)

I Wish I Had a Camera

Today was my resting day of the week; I'm supposed to have a day each week where I can do whatever I want - doctor's orders, so I tend to forget, hehe.

But today was a really beautiful winter day - where the sun is really bright and it makes the frost shimmer and twinkle, like fairies. It was a welcome sight from yesterday when I went to Kingston with Ric and Alec and Anna to go this Americanised version of Harvester, which was alright if I wasn't having one of those horrifying bus days when the bus just doesn't come and you end up walking forever towards home hoping for a break, or when you wait for a bus thats making you more and more late until a packed one squeezes you in. Ug, I hate buses sometimes. Let me ride a train anyday. Anyway at American Harvester I got some news from Ric about his new dating prospects. We ate together the day before that talking about how much of a disaster his new date-person (he says they're not going out) was being and how awkward things are and that he's still in love with Rene. But then he announces that she invited him to Leeds Castle! I mean firstly, I didn't even know Leeds had a castle, secondly it's kinda like - big deal, weren't they 'breaking up' anyway?? And they're not even speaking to each other and aargh! I felt bad for being all 'whatever' - I think it's because I've been fighting against a crush on him for over a week and it's very annoying/distracting/dreamy, mainly I'm supposed to be a lesbian, right? And I am - 90% lesbian. I think I'm getting feelings because he's so fucking charming and he doesn't know it. And Kingston was miserable overall - I had never been to such a quiet place on a Friday night, but of course there was bladdered people at my bus stop of course - before 9pm, as well - because the British get pissed more often than they brush their teeth.

So...when I woke up this morning and my room was bathed in wintry sunlight, and I felt more light-headed and rested than I had in weeks I thought that maybe I could do something interesting today. Dad was in his gardening mood - he's been depressed recently, mainly because of me and the weather inspired us to go shopping for planting thingies. But on our way to Homebase we got lost and found this wonderful garden centre next to a rugby club, which made me feel like a Country bumpkin which was frankly unsettling. But the plants were gorgeous - they had these gorgeous fragrant climbing roses called Penny Lane which had this gentle tinge of pink all over it, which we're having next to another set of climbing red roses, also gorgeous. I know it's very geeky of me to love plants but I think some are just beautiful - the sprightliness, the sumptuous of colour and their iridescence in the sunlight or the moonlight it's what nature intended after all, even if it wasn't for us. And the smells...the place had everything - goldfish, candles, hoes (that got your attention, eh?), rabbit food...years of doing all of these Dad-like Things With Dad made me want to be able to grab out at the smell and stuff in my pocket.

We decided that since the plants we bought were safe in the boot we could go for a drive. Dad's been trying to lose weight for...ever, really. He got big when he was with Mum and his weight has been way up and quite down ever since, but now that he's older it's affecting his back, so he's trying to walk more, but still prefers cars anyday. But that didn't matter as much because a little lost again and found this place called Bedfont Lakes, and decided to get walking, even if it was more 30 minutes. The lakes were beautiful. The first we went by had a small opening between the marshes/reeds and had a beauty of a swan drinking the water. It's frame was perfect, with the tall reeds creating a perfect rim, like some kind of friendly stay-the-hell-away-barrier around the lake which had some sort of smooth...thickness created by the winter sun as if it was a chunky soup that had been pureed. The sky was cold and crisp and it was such a perfect picture. God, I wish I had a camera.

Today was a good day, I really enjoyed it. I watched Dad place the roses in their final growing place and had a weird moment as I was so low on blood sugar I began to shiver all over and could barely move and had to have too much food to think straight again. And, we unpacked the last two boxes - Photos and one I labelled General Crap. We are officially Moved In, if you don't count the shed or the loft in the old house. Oh, and did you hear about the whale in the Thames? I should have gone up to London, the sight was amazing on the news. I really should start carrying round my camera round, but you don't know when beauty will step on your toes and blow you a kiss...