Protection

Um, I built myself up, fell apart, calmed down. Now I'm a bit stressed again. It all started with the Staunton Lick, probably the happiest thing I've heard all week. It's one of those summer- guitars-and-you're-messing-about-on-the-beach-and-you've-found-the-love-of-your-life sort of summer jangly guitars. Perfect advert music....

At bed, I was watching these documentary: Sex: the Annabel Chong story. And the bitch was cutting herself on the camera. I swear to god it was one of the most triggering things I've ever seen, because for one thing, before that bit on the film I had never seen any marks on her skin, also she telling the camera her reasons and it sounded like any other cutter including myself, but she was doing this on camera. Ultimately horrifying...and I couldn't sleep, and I felt the itch "just a little cut..." I realised that I hadn't for like a week, which is the longest I've gone without for a while cos everything has been so shitty, and called the Samaritans. They're the best sleeping pill you can ask for...cos not only do you talk out your issues with no real conviction, and they provide their own practical viewpointm they have these gorgeous husky voices that lull you to sleep so easily. I think they get trained to do the voice during their training process. Did you know they visited prisons? Thats what Pete told me on the line. I changed my name to Annabel, and I talked myself out till 2:18 am and hung up, and fell asleep. I slept for 6 glorious hours, and when I woke at 8 this morning I felt a lot calmer, and more sure within myself that although I'm in a shitty place where the help I'm recieving does nothing, there's stuff to do and a life to live. And then I put on fucking Protection by Massive Attack, crying crying. Then I put on Ray of Light by Madonna, and I'm a lot better now...jesus the amount of times her music saved my butt, hehe.

Politics was cancelled, so I'm getting ready to go college at 11 am rather than 9. It's a good way to start the week, and I'm anxious to end it so I can see Alice on Saturday-we've got lots to hug about now that we're friends again.