My Heroine

Kelly Holmes is more of a heroine to me everyday. She's black, she's female and she never gave up. She's tough as old boots, she has a sense of humour and she deserved everything she got. Everytime she got out on the field I just admired her for trying and I always wondered why no one else noticed. And when she won, I, with everyone went nuts with happiness for her part, cos she had worked so hard for it. Yet, when she won BBC Sportsperson of the Year you could tell she wasn't comfortable - dresses just aren't her thing and I know she would have looked much better in a trouser suit or something, if only for her slef-belief to shine through.
So, with me being an Olympics TV freak it was natural for me to want her to be happy with life. She's the only role model I've got, if I admit to that.

So, when I found out about her ordeal: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/athletics/4590655.stm I have to admit I was surprised. All the time I keep seeing strong women going through hell and beyond, but she got through it and I'm so happy she did. It shows strength I'm not sure I have anymore. She's the girl with the Halo (Texas) and she's now even more of a role model than she was before. Strong black women always pull themselves back from the brink. I hope I can do this one day.

However, as I bought the News of the World for the first time ever...you could tell they were plebian idiots the plebians would be ashamed of associating with...it goes on about how she stabbed herself! She cut with scissors - what I first used - not took a knife and plunged it. If that's their way of making things sound 'exciting', then well, I'm very ashamed of the British media right now for dealing with this in such a insensitive way. They didn't even try to advise other people.
I started to think of why I started to ED...


I could blame my Dad - he used to make me eat mars bars as a child because I was malnourished, unbreastfed and he felt guilty. Then he put on several diets, and made a comment "you'd look a lot prettier if you lost some weight" and he always makes little comments and such about how fat and unhealthy I am.
I could blame school - I got teased as the fridge, pregnant etc etc. I was always the chubby kid although I wasn't massively fat until recently.
I could even blame my friends for expecting to be so damn perfect all the time. But I could only blame myself, my perfectionisms, the pressure I pile on myself, the monster I see in the mirror and all. After all, they don't shove their fingers down my throat.