It's the last day before college, A2s, and a lot of bloody hard work. Before I drift off into my last night of happy oblivion (hell, when I have had that before?), I want to tell you about my day. It was more or less a happy day.
Firstly, I was getting better at beating my anxiety. As you may know, sometimes I have problems with re-connecting, or just joining the outside world. I would just get a tightness in my chest and the twisting in my gut and I knew I'd be a complete wreck so I just stayed in my room. I also couldn't sleep and it was only making my anxiousness worse. But I had a good friend talk to me, and help me in his own, simpl way that helped me make sense of my flailing mind. I stuck my head outside the window and sniffed the cold air, then I wrote about it to him. And I could feeling the pulling melting away. I didn't feel like I would be lost anytime soon with someone talking some sense and some kindness into me. Even better, he shared with me our safe place. It's one secret I'm not telling anyone. Why? Cos it actually works, its actually safe - dodging past the mine of my mainly impenetreble cynicsm.
So, after I got a good night's sleep, I felt so much ... better. I can't explain it. I could move, I could dance, I could write, I could not give a fuck and not have the sky fall on me. So I started watering the plants. I love doing this in the morning after breakfast because a) You get to drown lots of spiders b) You appreciate the better-than-technicolour science of light - watching giant white droplets of water against the light and making your own rainbow c) The plants seemed happy, healthy. They went a deeper green you tend to only see at nighttime. d) It's water and I love water, being a waterbaby. It's a - thats how I was born sort of thing.
So yeah, and then I'd watch tennis, or the ASHES (W00T!) - I am into cricket. Always was. Its the Geek Chic game. I know what a maiden is (an over - which is 6 balls - that don't hit a wicket; getting the batter out)
And then, whatever else was supposed to happen. Yesterday I went to a black tie reception which I can't tell you much about because it would give me away (not that I'm famous). And today, I had a Good Day.
A Good Day, by which I was never bored, I was moving all day, I got two letters, I was cooking and the phone kept ringing.
The first good news I got was that my seminar on Study Skills was being pushed to next week, meaning I could go to my poetry workshop, finally get my work scrutinised by a real poet and also get to see Ria who I haven't seen for nearly a month, in one fell swoop. Then, I got a call telling me my application for a journalist mentorship was successful! It means I get to work with a lovely Observer journalist for a whole year who will help me with my writing and help me get published, and just to have someone for support (journalism and career related) for the next year, so thats going to be really special. I had already written it off. Dad was always telling me I was serious enough about my journalism because I've only had like 4 publications and I'm 17, but this will shut him and maybe even I'll get into the Observer (music monthly).
The third good news was that I got invited to this exhibition at the National Portrait Gallery. I'm going to call them tomorrow and beg for a second one so I can bring my friend along. Her mum won't allow her to sleep over, so it'll be pretty cool. And I also got my cycling map from tfl.gov.uk and it's decent. Despite my absolutely appalling absymbal take on British geography, I just can't feel lost with this map. And I chatted to Nik and Ria and Charlotte, and hell, all is well. I'm going to hold to this bright point of sanity for as long as I can.
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3 comments:
SWEET!
This sounds like a wonderful day. I am so happy for you, especially getting to see Ria and wow, a journalism mentorship? That is so very cool.
Kudos to your friend for helping you out when you need it. I'm glad to hear you're doing well.
Hello SA, found you via your comment on Lioness' nipple issue. Amusing blog, I'll be back.
Congratulations on the very good day, the mentorship sounds like a big win.
(BTW I lived in London before moving to Germany, cricket, country pubs and Indian restaurants are the only things I miss. Oh, and fish-and-chips.)
Hello again, I've just read to the bottom and wanted to say that had I done so before commenting, I would not have used the word "amusing". Please don't take it as belittling or infantilising, I do take your fears seriously.
At the risk of sounding like the ancient fart that I am, probably older than your father: you have so much potential, so many possibilities, don't screw yourself up.
Not that you asked for advice, but: sit the Oxford entrance exams, then ask for a deferment in order to take the mentorship. Use that year to come to terms with (read: whip the arses of) your other demons. There is nothing wrong, and much right, with taking a year between school and university. There is also nothing wrong, and much right, with taking professional advice about problems that you cannot handle alone: If your teeth hurt, don't you go to the dentist?
Flaubert said, "Life is like a bowl of soup full of hairs, it's disgusting but you have to eat it anyway". I happen to think that he was wrong, but even so: Granted that you do have to eat it, just swallow hard and get it over with.
Life is great, and it does get easier with practice :-)
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