Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Communication Skillz


Before I slip back into the murky world of studying, exams and stupid coursework projects, I’ll tell you about my last couple of days.

The day before I must have talked to everyone. This included creepy bus drivers “You look exhausted…like you could with a massage.” Funny in the morning when you’re barely awake but strange otherwise. I also talked to a teenage evangelist who cornered me on the way to church (library). When she asked why I didn’t believe in God I had completely forgotten and I couldn’t think of any reasons, which nonplussed me and made her think she had a chance at seduction of God. And this other guy got sucked into it as well. He was a cutie and I think he was interested, but there was nothing I could do about that…when did I become attractive to the OPPOSITE sex? Where are all the ladies? And so I worked and worked and worked. I’ve become a Cultural Revolution bore; it’s all I think about. It is really interesting after all how a few people managed to manufacture a revolution and try to pull a wronski feint on their own party, and using the youth to do so by making them in charge and giving them basic, vague instructions to allow them to run riot without responsibility being firmly in their hands. The whole exam basically writing out your assignment notes next Wednesday in four hours and I’ve got a mixture of panic and eagerness spurring me on. I’ve almost completed my practice essay draft thing, which is good. But now just exhausted. I was typing straight for 90 minutes yesterday after my Politics exam where I wrote 14 sides of A4 in two and a half hours. And then today I wrote another 750 words in 40 minutes, had 5 hours sleep and I still got DJ practice today – if I don’t go know I’ll be missing it for the next two weeks and I’d be way behind.

I’m also doing some stuff for my gay youth club’s new website – I’ve got an art review, my coming out story and some poems. As I was writing my Coming Out story I found that far from being a “higher experience” it’s actually pretty boring on paper. I guess it’s because since I came out I’ve missed three Pride events in a row and I still haven’t been out clubbing yet, making me a proper baby dyke, but that’s to change this summer. I’ve asserted that I will get a job – it’ll be like once, twice a week and if I arrange some journalist experience then I can always take some time off. It’s just that since I’m practically emotionally independent from Dad I still rely on him financially and I want that to change. This whole university thing is stressing me out too. Before it was completely overwhelming and I just wanted to end it all; I’ve started to gain some perspective, which is making things easier for me and that is always a good thing frankly. I’ve been very hungry at times and very thirsty too which worries me because Ria’s boyfriend has been diagnosed with diabetes and is in hospital with a majorly high sugar count (65 when he entered, now down to 22. It’s supposed to be 5.) So I’m just a little more aware. The obscene amounts of chocolate can’t have helped either.

It’s also been a different week because of all the death. The mudslide in the Philippines, for one thing. And then I’ve heard about the Hurricane Katrina tour bus. I don’t care how they justify it – they only give 10% of profit to the victims! And so many of them are stranded in caravans and so many of the people there have left there forever. The Bush Administration might as well leave the wreckage be. Keep making money out of misery; you’re so good at it. You can call it the Permanent Disaster and make it snazzy. Maybe other natural disasters can join in too.
And on sea level where I am, there’s been some deaths as well. My Mum came down last week and we watched some DVDs, then to remark about how her Dad died a few years ago. I’m not I ever met him. I must have, but I can’t remember his face…it just shocked for a few seconds that’s all. And then on the phone to an ailing Ric (sceptic knee and life in general; but he can’t walk now) he told me his ex-girlfriend’s close friend died suddenly. I bumped into her in the library the next day. She looked distraught. It turns out he had some heart condition, and at this party they were at his right ventricle collapsed and he just fell and died. She was ok because had this amazing night with him when they just talked all night about everything for hours. He had his organs donated to medicine and his faulty heart donated to science. She’s still very distraught. She and his classmates went out for a night of drinking and ended up on Richmond high street crying on a bench. A homeless guy offered her food. It makes you wonder how bad things are these days, how “grieveful” you can be. I think I’m getting the hang of consoling people with their death, even though I’ve been so lucky so far. I mean, my Dad could have a heart attack in his sleep at 8 in the morning just before he’s supposed to go to work (happened to Ria’s friend…it’s always a friend of a friend.). I guess the truth is that I’m starting to get worried now about whose next to die, or fall apart around me. But there’s nothing I can do about that, is there? Except practice.

Now I am home at last after my last DJ lesson for 6 weeksL because my teacher is going off to some assignment in Suburbia. So now it’s time for me to look into buying my own tunes, take up practicing once a week and rock out, basically. Thing is, I have to find my favourite type of music – I’m into motown, and vocal stuff that builds up, has drums and bass…so that’s what I’ll be looking for. Hmm. Anyone recommend any ‘choons?

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

V. Day



So...Valentine's Day.

Being extremely single, and with all of my friends taken this day is not going to be absolutely brilliant. But then, this happened: my brother called me into his room with a serious look on his face because he's been dating his girl (she's lovely) for 6 months and wanted ideas (it's pretty straightforward: Good chocolate, dozen red roses, or precious jewelry as it's their first V. Day.) So then, he offered me money to kick me out of the house. I got £15...which is ok because at least I'm getting money out of being single and it'll be a great anecdote when I see my friends on Thursday, yet this is also pathetic because I planned to gorge on chocolate all day and continue with my assignment which is scaring me more and more (again I plead: Does anyone know ANYTHING about the Chinese Cultural Revolution???) and I couldn't concentrate yesterday because on Sunday night I was bouncing off the walls and cut myself really badly. My Dad has taken the alcohol out of the house and locked it away in the shed, and is planning to do the same with the medication, thanks to my psych's recommendations. She's also thinking of giving me some medication. Yay! Because I'm going to need something to get through the next few months, let alone days. I got my mock exams on Monday which I want to get an A on...so much for coping.

Sigh. I wish I could handle things better than this. I find myself with two or more major things to do
  1. Choose my university and go to some open days
  2. Complete my assignment
  3. Prepare for Mock exams
  4. Get organised in general

...And I just start freaking out and I can't deal. This is not good.

Then I think about love. At the moment I'm not really fancying people. I'm not into those lovely dizzy crushes people seem to get, where you agonize over your desire, because things seem to become a lot more fun at those times. I also don't the chance to cut the rug at any lesbian clubs which would be a lot of fun and get me into contact with some...one. I'm just too busy to fall in love, which would usually mean someone fantastic would be coming into my life but it's not happening. So I'm in a very strange single position, but I'll figure it out. I wonder if anyone will get proposed to today...

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Peace and Quiet


This is my favourite view of London, although this picture doesn't capture it's full beauty...because now the trees that line the bank have pretty blue fairy lights in the branches...and if you look on the side of the London Eye and Houses of Parliament the eye is lit up with red and green lights...I went into London yesterday and I loved the bus journey, as it went through Aldwych and launched itself onto the Westminister bridge and speeds over the Thames...

I've been feeling very lonely recently and ended up drinking some sneaky whisky with my turkey pasta tonight. I dunno, I just feel as if I can't talk to anyone. No one seems to tell I'm down, even though I'm trying to be obvious. I just want people to hug me/a good conversation. And just the fact that I'm trying to obvious makes me feel...queasy. It's not fair. Is it my fault that my friends simply disappear when I need somebody? I just feel like I'm being attacked on all sides from college (big mock exam and big 3,000 word personal project - so I'll be busy) from society because I don't listen to enough insipid modern RnB music, because I'm single and everyone I know has suddenly become busy on Tuesday. The way I see it, on Saturday, no matter what happens I'm going to pamper myself and buy lots of clothes for myself because people just aren't helping.

I'd feel safer in my cocoon if I could get some peace and quiet. Like at the library, trying to read up on Chairman Mao - pen clicking and cackling and whispering everywhere, including the odd bang and strange machine noises - I could barely work and I found myself wanting to strangle the girl on my right cackling about her boyfriend Brian who has a small penis - like I care! I just need a release/bitch/moan/cry/cut/hug/fight/vant and this blog is the only thing I can get through to at the moment. And in response to Lioness and my picture: I will get a picture of yours truly soon enough when I learn how to use a scanner...and take a photo :)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Hot Damn!



Hey, I haven't been in recently because I've been trapped in a haze of illness - I was sneezing at first but now I've got the mixture of a smoker's lung cough and the old man wheeze. Combined with my pink parka and blue hair I've been scaring more old ladies on the street. Ooh, I got a "Hot Damn!" from two black guys yesterday on the tube, which always make you feel good when your head is full of snot, hehe. Life is fine, although, I was omitted from DM's blog friend list, but I'll be emailing her about that...

And, I have to go anyway. My Dad has taken my sleeping problem into his own hands and is due to take away the laptop any minute now. It's some sort of curfew - I have to put it in Dad's room after 10, which is fair but it's my best blogging time, when I'm not doing my homework and I like listening to music on it...so I'll have to get used to life without it all over again - don't worry, I'll still post loads about life and chaos and djing (my teacher says I've done great progress - I mixed my first two tracks today!!!! But no one cares... :( I'll be blogging soon enough, no worries. But I would love for my readers to send me a comment, stop by, relax...