"Vast vistas of dreams and possibility will seem as real as the chair you're sitting on."
This was my horoscope for today, my Dad's birthday. He doesn't know I'm writing a blog so there's no picture of him. He loved my present (Spanish learning pack), and we hugged and I was late for history again, but that doesn't matter so...
No, I was wondering about conventions, about what you're supposed and not supposed to do. Who told you that? Because it's almost always a "they", and who is "they"? The way I see it, sometimes I can't get up in the mornings or talk to people or enthuse myself into studying (or not). Yet I know I'm doing it all wrong. I just wouldn't mind understanding why. Where did these conventions come from? Who started it all? I can only wonder.
Today I returned from my gay youth club sabbatical to find old friends there. Woo-hoo. It made me burst with happiness that they just let me be. I needed that. Sometimes I swear I forget I'm a lesbian and I feel completely out of place all over again. I talk to some of my gay friends and they've done the whole rock n roll, sex, death and drugs thing, and are quite blase and jaded before they've reached 18. How am I supposed to be excited where all the excitement has all gone? Whenever I tell them I've been single like, forever they see it as a terrible, terrible thing. And yeah, it would nice to have somebody to kiss and sleep in with and covet, but right now I'm just not looking of that because I'm just not that bothered. Should I be because I'm a teenager?
And bloody uni. We're told to expect everything to be magical, and we know that we will be told to follow such abstracts objects such as our hearts and know what we want right now is what we may want for the rest of our life, despite such a very very difficult decision this is for us right. Oh! They know, all right. I mean, does everyone know what they're supposed to do? Do you know that when you say hi to someone you say hi back, or that you don't have hash brown and bacon sandwiches, or that if you dress different the other kids will always laugh at you (I've perfected my "fuck you" stare. Fuck 'em. I don't even look that different). When did I get told this? Why? I mean, I guess is what normal is and so nobody knows, really.
I mean I've made my university and I'm more scared than I've been for a while. Because when you leave your friends, even it is for a week, then you don't recognise them and they don't recognise you. And whats a born and bred London girl to do up North? (Manchester uni I've chosen, yep.) Even if I stalk my friends via MSN messenger, will they be completely different people when I come back? Can you ever really keep in touch with people you don't see for a while? It's happened to me before. I've had really good, budding friendships before I go on holiday for a week, and when I come back they've become friends with someone else and I never get a look-in ever afterwards. For the first time in years I've made some real friends who I want to know and share my life with for a good while, and I don't want to lose that because I need my best friend. So I'm equally scared and liberated, and truly, those are two most challenging states someone can encounter.
No comments:
Post a Comment