Tuesday, October 31, 2006

My Crazy is Acting Up Again!!

Ok, well, my crazy was acting up before. But that's because I was forgetting to take my meds. And I got to see how crazy I am from some strange neutral perspective my prozac puts me in.

"My Crazy" includes:

Not being able to concentrate in tutorials because I was scared of my fingernails and had a strong urge to snap them off

Spending hours applying for jobs, getting a panic attack just before I am to leave for any interviews I ever get, making me wonder if I'm ever gonna get a regular job at last!

Procrasinating reading ANYTHING scholarly

Freaking out after eating a burger and chips and making myself throw up in the library toilets (it's a big four floor type of library)

Throwing up twice in one evening in indian restaurant (after the starter and the main course :S)

Staying in the "arghness" position (when I'm feeling really really anxious - on all fours in a ball - kinda like those stress positions I saw in those SAS torture programmes) for 30 minutes.


I'm fucking nuts! Hahaha.
Anyways, working on my music collection has definitely helped. I've made a "What's This?" section for general listening, so for morning noon and night (v. difficult) and mostly upbeat with lots of 60s 70s music cos I'm in love with "Good Vibrations" and The Who in general. And I got a studying playlist, and a Falling Apart playlist for downbeat tracks and upbeat (but not too smiley or I resent them) and somehow when listening to it the music slowly emphasizes with me but then slowly, very slowly, fixes me again and then I'm listening to something upbeat and inspirational and I'm OK again.

I have a feeling if you crack open my soul (I think I believe in dualism because I think we have souls, but studying philosophy seems wants me to squash that so badly.) That you'll find a song by Pearl Jam or Regina Spektor. I'm in love with Pearl Jam's Elderly Woman Behind a Counter or something and its so beautiful, and reminds of me what I'm afraid of if I ever stand still, and what may happen if I never stop running.

On a happier note, I have managed to make friends with nice eccentric people who like baking and love dancing as much as I do and watch French films and talk about sex and their lives don't revolve around alcohol. And I'm sorting out my money issues. And that unspeakable secret that I just couldn't say? I've written it all down, as a scribe to my own issues. Also, in two weeks I'm going to have an outpatient assessment with The Priory. Yep, thats the UK equivalent of the Betty Ford clinic or something isn't it? Where lots of fucked up celebrities go for their fuck ups and so on - Kate Moss, Ronnie Wood and Peter Doherty too I believe. I don't care about any of that, but it's all grand looking and sometimes I'm scared that I go in there and never come out. Or worse, they don't think anything is wrong with me and I'm just alone all over again. We'll see. Sorry I took so long to update. Manchester has been keeping me very busy to make any little blogs.

Yeah, manchester. Four hours' drive from London, not so far from Wales and the Peak District. Rainiest place in Britain and the home of so many of my favourite bands (Joy Division, Oasis) and where I hope to grow up and find people.


Lioness said...

Am here, am here! Well, sometimes I do disappear for periods of time for much needed wound-licking but once it's over I come back. This is what you need to know, I ALWAYS come back.

You sound so terribly grown-up! And how can you be 18, how? HOW?

Lioness said...

Bloody hell, didn't I post that comment up there below your first post? I'm delighted to hear the medication is working - but yes, do go on taking it, you don't do crazy well. NO ONE does crazy well.

Manchester, who'd have thunk it! I hope you love love love it, you seem to be making friends of all sorts (we need friends of all sorts, some for going for a coffee w, some to cry w, some to party w, it takes all sorts). You sound like you are indeed growing up, it's lovely to see.