Friday, September 29, 2006

Mother Mother

When you sent me off into the world,
Were you scared that I might get burned?
Would I try a little...tobacco?
Would I still be lifting up my skirt?
(Tracey Bonham)

I was going to write about what my mother did to me, but I couldn't. It's too damn truthful. I can't talk to Nik (not for a while. Is that bit over?) Can't afford to talk to Ria. Dad is not calling. I'm spending too much time trying to not get angsty/fall apart. I can't now, because I'm four hours from home and London and if I alienate myself here and don't find someone to cling to SOON I might not last the year. Where did all the potential best friends go? I have to get up and buy washing powder and organise my life, send out letters. At the moment, because I can't get a job and I have no money, I am whoring my fuck-ups in psychological experiments for money. For example, next Friday I'm going to talk to a practicing psych for an hour for 10 pounds. Now I'm applying for another experiment for anxiety sufferers for another £25. How long till I feel like a complete freak show? How long until my anxiety and my OCD gets the better of me? (Believe me it's trying). Am I doing the wrong thing by whoring out the fuck-ups? I need some advice here...

1 comment:

Lioness said...

I don't think participating in the trials makes you a freak. Your perception of yourself as a freak might make you a freak but it's fromt he inside out, not the other way round. I'd say it's rather smart of you to use them as a backup plan. Making friends is terribly hard (this includes "making acquaintances" as well at times), I remember when I was an AFSer, which is as close to what you're doing as possible bcs I too was transplanted (you speak the natives language at least and are used to the weather, rejoice!) - anyway, I was often lonely, and often felt inadequate bcs "surely I should have loads of friends by now"? It doesn't quite work that way. I was often alone, and I was often lonely, but those friends that took so long in coming are still in my life and it's been 17 years already (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Argh argh argh argh! You were barely born when I went to Germany for my AFS year! How bizarre!)

Either way, take heart, and keep yourself busy in the meantime. You shall overcome. Smooch!