Saturday, February 17, 2007

Ultamatums

So, what has changed during the exorbinate period of time between this blog post and the last? For one thing, I'm getting older - can't spell as great as I used to. I feel like I'm becoming more and more normal everyday - I have crushes on people, and stumble over my words and I never get my work done. It's a strange feeling, like I'm downgrading but it wasn't even a decision I made: I'm just becoming more normal.

Lots of normal people are on prozac, or have severe anxiety problems and fierce ambition and independence. Lots of normal people have eating issues, or mothers with mental illnesses, or they're gay, or fat and a writer with crippling writer's block - actually everyone has that, haha. Does it make me extra normal that I have all these things at once?

As for ultimatums, I have to get my act together and carry on learning. For a period I was pretty uncapable of doing academic, or even getting out of bed...now I'm about to embark on the memoirs of Peter Kropotkin, this Russian prince turned anarchist and wrote the encyclopedia of it. I'm reading him also because he reminds me of my Rich. His dad had an heart attack a couple of weeks ago and he's facing having to drop out of uni cos he's away a lot looking after everyone. Thing is, I didn't hear it from him. I heard this from Alex online at 3 am several days afterwards. I was devastated. Rich used to come to me for a lot of things - eventually, and now when he needed me, really needed me, didn't even try to come to me. We haven't talked for about a month now. I've tried to contact him in every way - text message, msn, email, facebook and I get nothing. And he's online acting quite untraumatised...it hurts a lot. I can't even help out one of my best friends. What does that make me? What does this make of this situation? He's pushing me away whether he knows it or not.

I don't want to have to let him go. But if I can't talk to him...it's not really a friendship. It's pining.

So, another ultimatum is that if I don't get a decent paying job by March I won't be able to pay the rent. My Dad decided for me that I wasn't allowed to have any real fun with my loan and that if I budget to live on £50 a week I'd pay off the rent myself and have £200 spare.

Well, at least I've been househunting with my friends and we've found a gorgeous house just off the curry mile with a proper lounge and a cute kitchen and a GARDEN - I could plant roses and a herb garden and bulb plants - yes, I already told you I'm getting old. I'm turning 19 in less than 4 months - ew! That means I WILL BE TWENTY IN 2008. Thats next year....when did this happen? Thank god no one believes me. xx

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