Friday, December 02, 2005

The Practice of Living

Life can be ridiculous, but not this one. Today, I was referred to the college's youth worker person, an extremely frenetic event. I had to tell her what happened all over again. She assumed a lot of things. Like, that I meant to kill myself (I still have no idea.) and mentioned my weight. She basically talked and talked for an hour about how tough life is, somehow folding in suggestions for how I could join a gym to feel better about myself. Never looking into my eyes (which freaks me out anyway). She blurted out "Isn't swimming good for, for, all over your body?" "Yeah, it's true but I can't." "Why?" "Because of my arms. I cu-" "-Of course, no, your weight shouldn't be a problem." I gave up then and just let her complete her Inspirational Speech and re-organize her masses of paper. She was nice and her words dug little worms that wriggled under my skin, if that makes sense.

I had a drink last night, but it was in very social circumstances. It was after my evening at my gay youth club and this youth parliament thingy I gatecrashed into. I had some Smirnoff Ice thing whilst they talked about their sexual escapades (weekly shagging in offices during lunchtimes, handjobs whilst you've got flu, sex in the religious department men's toilets), among other things. It sucks, it's not cool to be a virgin anymore. In fact, it's manky and mortifying. I am, the only virgin left on this planet. Or, at the very least in West London. I'm 17, I've only had one girlfriend and little experience. One of my dear friends has lost hers to a guy (who is nice, by the way - just a total strangler when it comes to impressing his mates.) who had begged for 6 weeks and lasted 20 seconds - some strange kind of irony pressing upon us there...she told me she wished I was there to hold her hand because it hurt so much, the poor thing.

I guess it's because I don't get to go out as much. And when psychiatrists and social workers are telling you to go out more, you know you've got a problem. I just have no goddamn time. To tell you the truth I'm starting to feel violent against people, just because I'm too afraid to tell them to shut the fuck up. Like the college counsellor lady kneeling on the ground with literally a thousand sheets of paper, trying to organize them all. I just wanted to kick them all out and rip them up, tip over her desk and smash in her computer and just scream: "Will just take a breath and let me speak? I might not say anything, but then I might not be able to speak, but that's all you need to know! I'm tired of drifting! I'm tired of being indecisive! I'm tired of the fact that I can't think for myself anymore without being shot down for it! I'm tired of being lonely! I want someone good for me! And that's it, that's it. So you've listened. I'll help clean up your bloody pit of an office, I am awfully sorry. Oh, and by the way I'm a recovering bulumic, I have a cutting self harm thingy, I literally don't give a shit about my own wellbeing and I have an alcohol problem...What? What are you looking at?"

So, alright, okay I'm not feeling too great. I've been like this for years, sometimes I forget. I guess this is one of the moments where it all comes rushing back to me. I just feel so stupid. My practice interview didn't go beautifully. At my best I was eloquent and intelligent. However I spoke too much and too quickly, asked too many questions, was too vague in parts (I agree. I called Gordon Brown's job the 'guy that handles all of the money', and I said thingy!) However, I was engaging, interesting and enthusiastic all of the way through, which helps enormously. Now I have to start shopping for the real thing.

And I must mention that the 1st December was World Aids Day. I was supposed to be going to an event in Vauxhall, but Dad I would out too late on a school night, so blah. I do know that the biggest group of people with HIV is the 16-24's, and this needs to be addressed. It turns out that 1st December marks 50 years since the late, great Rosa Parks made her stand against racism on the bus, and it's now also the day that the South African judiciary rules that gay marriage must be made legal. It's a couple of reasons to be optimistic. And don't forget Christmas! I have a feeling something great is going to happen, to wipe away all of the tears from this wretched, rollercoaster year. I can't help it, the optimism is there.

I haven't cut for over two weeks now. I'm going to explode. Not yet, I don't feel like I'm going out of my skin with panic...yet but I am starting to see things again.

Best Demonstrators of How I'm Feeling (Coldplay, Talk)

Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Do something that's never been done

So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk

1 comment:

CarpeDM said...

Oh, that just pisses me off. You finally go to talk to someone and they ignore you and babble.

The song that always described how I felt before I went on Effexor is comfortably numb. I sort of felt I was muffled up in cotton. I don't think there's a song that describes what I went through during a full depression. Awful.

I really think you should have told her to shut up. It's not right that she didn't listen to you. Maybe throwing things around wouldn't have been the right thing to do but a good "Hey, do you mind if I say something?" might have worked.

Anyway, good luck.