I’m typing this firstly in word because I don’t know if this will get published. I’ve had the most amazing response to my blog. See, I have an email notification for my blog for each comment, and when I signed in I had 17 different ones from lioness, who by the looks of it read my entire blog in the middle of the night and commented on most of it. That is stupendous. It really made my day, thank you. Gosh, people care. And for my regular CarpeDM, well, what can I say? The last week has been hectic, as you will see in the post above. I’m so sorry if I’ve scared you. To tell you the truth, I’ve just been busy. That is the long and short of it.
Today was Ok. I learned about the electoral system in Britain (same as USA and Canada except we don’t choose the actual Prime Minister). I was with my new friends Richard and Andy, and upon a discussion after class about whether women rule the world (which the men so obviously do, even if they are by the most part controlled by their private parts.) I said cock in front of two boys and my politics teacher. Happy days..
I’ve also started off in this new gay youth group. It’s pretty good actually. There were liquid condoms and all sort of sex accessories. The people were nice, and they have all sorts of plans for cinema trips and Pride stuff and all sorts to cheer me up during the winter months.
I left at about 7pm, and by the time I got the train to Turnham Green it was pitch black and I felt pretty scared. I thought I loved the night. Its like a blanket that covers your face, and hides any pretence of grace and its all your mind that can keep you awake. I should know. Almost all of my poetry and my stories have been written in the middle of the night. I thought the night would be my friend, but I got scared because I couldn’t see anything in the dark. It reminded of all my panic attacks I’ve had before I cut myself (I now realise), and I didn’t like it, for want to be more of a writer and be more expressive in my writings. I felt like such a fraud. Of course, I’m so middle class I realise, with Dads car and my TV and stereo and broadband. I’m so fucking lucky, and look at how I thank the world. So I took one of those travelling perks, the good old abandoned magazine and read the pictures my life was surely bound to lead to.
Now I have to go…its time for bed. More reading, and trying to write. I just feel like theres this fucking amazing poem waiting to come out and greet me. It’ll be there.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Now I know I'm Crazy
Okay, I've changed my mind. For one night and half a day, I let this post out of the bag. Its a confessional. I'm not going to change a thing. A damn thing. I guess I just wanted to be honest. I'm sorry. I will name this post "The Blog that Must Not Be Named". Originally posted 17th September 2004....
NB: This notice will be on board till1pm Saturday 18th September. I'm not sure I want Nik to see this.
On Wednesday, I had an overdose. I was not trying to kill myself. I do not think I want to kill myself, Ok? Look, I had to punish myself because I cut myself on Monday and I really enjoyed it. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop wondering if I'm crazy. I think I am, or at least I had some psychotic episode. You see when I was 12, there were voices in my head telling to do all sorts of crazy shit like hurting other people. At one point, I was obsessed with emulating Christ, although I am not religious. I thought I had to save the world and it had something to do with a boy I had a crush on at the time, and I really believed it. Of course, I didn't save the world and I thought I was going to die, but Sept 11th came about. I think I blamed myself for that too. I remember crying for all those people. Fucking nuts, I was.
What am I now? Severely depressed. Took triple the dosage of Night Nurse, double the amount of Covona and washed it down with some whisky. I'll be fine, no one pumped my stomach-I was just very sleepy and out-of-it the next which I was able to laugh off. No one is sniffing this trail. I did call NHS Direct, just to make sure I'd be OK. Talked to this lady called Verna and she wanted me to tell my parents. Ha. No....Chance. No...No...No...Chance. It isn't even part of the question. I don't even consider telling my family to be an option, so don't bother try to 'convince' me. So, after that she said if it was Ok to tell my college nurse, which was fine, she ain't gonna try to find me. I'm not suicidal, I'm healthy, and yes she would know I self harm but thats no biggie. Verna reccommended counselling which plausible. I'm willing to negotiate. I'm not making sense, am I?
My brother is a dick. Sorry, went a bit off track.
(See, he just cussed the great Alicia Keys-saying that the line 'And it feels like ooooohh...you don't know my name' is stupid. It is, from a superficial point of view. But, sometimes words can be meaningless, like 'I love you' and 'Sorry' just doesn't cut it, and when you try to think of a word, it isn't there and all you have left is the whirlwind of emotions you feel and your deep maddening intentions, all punctuated by meaningless words. So, nothing is better than the 'ooooooh' because you can fill your own gap. It gives the listener space to feel, and that is a wondrous thing. Dunno if she was thinking like that though.)
But yes, I was reading up stuff on Channel 4, and it presented symptons of schitzophrenia(sp?) and I saw myself in all of them. It also said people with schitzophrenia, that 25% may have only one big episode and be fine afterwards. Sometimes its just misunderstood severe depression, which I can't have had for 4 years, cause I would be dead by now, right? How could I cope, acting and not having anyone else know, apart from the people I trust explicitly, truly?
I don't know. Like a line in a poem of mine, "Who can say, who can tell?"
I'm sorry if I...er, offended anyone etc.
NB: This notice will be on board till1pm Saturday 18th September. I'm not sure I want Nik to see this.
On Wednesday, I had an overdose. I was not trying to kill myself. I do not think I want to kill myself, Ok? Look, I had to punish myself because I cut myself on Monday and I really enjoyed it. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop wondering if I'm crazy. I think I am, or at least I had some psychotic episode. You see when I was 12, there were voices in my head telling to do all sorts of crazy shit like hurting other people. At one point, I was obsessed with emulating Christ, although I am not religious. I thought I had to save the world and it had something to do with a boy I had a crush on at the time, and I really believed it. Of course, I didn't save the world and I thought I was going to die, but Sept 11th came about. I think I blamed myself for that too. I remember crying for all those people. Fucking nuts, I was.
What am I now? Severely depressed. Took triple the dosage of Night Nurse, double the amount of Covona and washed it down with some whisky. I'll be fine, no one pumped my stomach-I was just very sleepy and out-of-it the next which I was able to laugh off. No one is sniffing this trail. I did call NHS Direct, just to make sure I'd be OK. Talked to this lady called Verna and she wanted me to tell my parents. Ha. No....Chance. No...No...No...Chance. It isn't even part of the question. I don't even consider telling my family to be an option, so don't bother try to 'convince' me. So, after that she said if it was Ok to tell my college nurse, which was fine, she ain't gonna try to find me. I'm not suicidal, I'm healthy, and yes she would know I self harm but thats no biggie. Verna reccommended counselling which plausible. I'm willing to negotiate. I'm not making sense, am I?
My brother is a dick. Sorry, went a bit off track.
(See, he just cussed the great Alicia Keys-saying that the line 'And it feels like ooooohh...you don't know my name' is stupid. It is, from a superficial point of view. But, sometimes words can be meaningless, like 'I love you' and 'Sorry' just doesn't cut it, and when you try to think of a word, it isn't there and all you have left is the whirlwind of emotions you feel and your deep maddening intentions, all punctuated by meaningless words. So, nothing is better than the 'ooooooh' because you can fill your own gap. It gives the listener space to feel, and that is a wondrous thing. Dunno if she was thinking like that though.)
But yes, I was reading up stuff on Channel 4, and it presented symptons of schitzophrenia(sp?) and I saw myself in all of them. It also said people with schitzophrenia, that 25% may have only one big episode and be fine afterwards. Sometimes its just misunderstood severe depression, which I can't have had for 4 years, cause I would be dead by now, right? How could I cope, acting and not having anyone else know, apart from the people I trust explicitly, truly?
I don't know. Like a line in a poem of mine, "Who can say, who can tell?"
I'm sorry if I...er, offended anyone etc.
Monday, September 20, 2004
Writing Block
At the moment, I'm stuck with all the words I want to say. It's not ok because its been going on for too long: since I've made a poem, since I've added to my book, since I've taken a proper look at what's going on.
I've been so stuck in myself and I can't help it. Not awestruck. Ha. I think I hate myself more than I have for a while now. I'm just trying to write something new and interesting yet all my words are the same pattern. (the way I write is like knitting, but I'll explain that later)
College is cool. Today went well, despite being covered in bar-b-q sauce from Subway. I was thinking about all the cool people I've met, and I thought about everyone I left behind, and I didn't feel homesick, and I don't miss them the way I thought I would. I'm not wishing for the 'good ol' days' cause no one cared about what I thought, there were moments, but I had moved on and despite everything I'm loving everything about college. I'm so free and a lot happier here, I just am. I was never the rulebook type.
'No dear, it wasn't just a fuck!
I was, awestruck-yes-in her lovliness!'
--Well, that wasn't too bad, for a mini-poem. Rate it out of 10?
I've been so stuck in myself and I can't help it. Not awestruck. Ha. I think I hate myself more than I have for a while now. I'm just trying to write something new and interesting yet all my words are the same pattern. (the way I write is like knitting, but I'll explain that later)
College is cool. Today went well, despite being covered in bar-b-q sauce from Subway. I was thinking about all the cool people I've met, and I thought about everyone I left behind, and I didn't feel homesick, and I don't miss them the way I thought I would. I'm not wishing for the 'good ol' days' cause no one cared about what I thought, there were moments, but I had moved on and despite everything I'm loving everything about college. I'm so free and a lot happier here, I just am. I was never the rulebook type.
'No dear, it wasn't just a fuck!
I was, awestruck-yes-in her lovliness!'
--Well, that wasn't too bad, for a mini-poem. Rate it out of 10?
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Curious Hopelessness
*Darn, got a link just underneath the title spot-what are you supposed to put in this?
Anyway, all apologies for the lateness. You may tut away, but get on with it. Done? Fabulous...
I know I've been doing too much. I can't stop saying yes to things, its in my blood. It's in my upbringing, you see, for I was made to be exceptionally polite. I see it as many things:
Anyway, all apologies for the lateness. You may tut away, but get on with it. Done? Fabulous...
I know I've been doing too much. I can't stop saying yes to things, its in my blood. It's in my upbringing, you see, for I was made to be exceptionally polite. I see it as many things:
- A good business method. The primal: 'You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours' sorta thing.
- It's a comfort. Throughout my life, I've been many different Bettys: the bully, the swot, the quiet one, the nutter, the individual. I've always been polite, so its nice to have that consistentcy in my life. It helps me remember who I am.
- It doesn't make me a suspect.
Lets clarify that one. Sometimes, to make those mundane 9 to 5 days bearable, I like to imagine my life as a whodunit crime thriller. You have your red herrings and the obvious ones you waste chapters digging into. Being polite gives me a sense of neutrality that shifts to the 'good' side of society. I mean nothing, but I'm probably something 'nice'. Does that make sense?
And as a suspect, what the hell am I talking about? My depression, my madness. Thats what I'm hiding from. I guess it makes me unique, if I was to go off on a tangent.
Anyhoo, I've joined several clubs including the college magazine which is vital to do because I want to be a journalist when I 'grow up'. And speaking of journalism, I want to get some work experience. You see, this isn't something I have to do, but I do want it and I need some advice, so I'll be talking to one of the college staff people.
I like today. I've had this horrible cold, which I'm sure is in protest of my ambitions, and its calmed down enough for me to do my homework, and prepare for the next week which I'm sure will go swimmingly. I might even try to start some therapy. But I won't get my hopes up.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
That Day!
Today, is quite historic for me: today was my first day at Richmond College, in Twickenham. It has turned out to be one of those things that you know are going to be hard, and even that they'll even be harder than you think but you still don't fully understand how tough it may be.
I think it was mainly because today was crap. Today, of all days-my luck is amazing. Its either completely brilliant, or completely hopeless, or just bizarre. Kinda like my life, lol.
Yesterday, there were delays on the District line, and I ended up being 30 minutes late for my induction day. Thats annoying enough, cos I was all sweaty and stressed and dazed, so I didn't get to make any friends. Then today I lost my photocard and my travelcard, which apparentely is practically guaranteed to be lost. You could imagine my distress-I was crying in the stupid station, trying to not shout at myself for being so embarrassing. Then I spent all my money on a new travelcard, was late for my first lesson-then the phone went off, the library was disappointingly empty of fiction, and it took me ages to find Ash, who's like my only friend in the place. The place is massive. There are like 2000 people there, and its going to be soo bad tomorrow because the second year students are coming and that'll be a nightmare! I'm still not cutting. I'm not really worrying about it, just worrying about slapping myself in public, and people seeing my scars. Because at the moment I'm completely no one because everyone is tall and perfect and Ash is one them. Almost all the girls are 5"8, skinny enough to wear low riding jeans and show off their hip bones. And loads of people smoke, its crazy and crowded but its still only my first bloody day and I have to get a grip. Mad, bad luck, crazy shit happens to people all the time. I know, that somewhere, I am being tested. Who else gets two crazy disasters in two days when she's starting over? Nobody! Its just to test my commitment and my once-inane ability to not cry. (however, I do have an inane ability about keeping my head together.)
Breathe.....sigh...aaah....rant over.
Gotta go, I have to wake up early and spend lots more money to get my shit together. I will write a proper entry in this blog-stay tuned.
I think it was mainly because today was crap. Today, of all days-my luck is amazing. Its either completely brilliant, or completely hopeless, or just bizarre. Kinda like my life, lol.
Yesterday, there were delays on the District line, and I ended up being 30 minutes late for my induction day. Thats annoying enough, cos I was all sweaty and stressed and dazed, so I didn't get to make any friends. Then today I lost my photocard and my travelcard, which apparentely is practically guaranteed to be lost. You could imagine my distress-I was crying in the stupid station, trying to not shout at myself for being so embarrassing. Then I spent all my money on a new travelcard, was late for my first lesson-then the phone went off, the library was disappointingly empty of fiction, and it took me ages to find Ash, who's like my only friend in the place. The place is massive. There are like 2000 people there, and its going to be soo bad tomorrow because the second year students are coming and that'll be a nightmare! I'm still not cutting. I'm not really worrying about it, just worrying about slapping myself in public, and people seeing my scars. Because at the moment I'm completely no one because everyone is tall and perfect and Ash is one them. Almost all the girls are 5"8, skinny enough to wear low riding jeans and show off their hip bones. And loads of people smoke, its crazy and crowded but its still only my first bloody day and I have to get a grip. Mad, bad luck, crazy shit happens to people all the time. I know, that somewhere, I am being tested. Who else gets two crazy disasters in two days when she's starting over? Nobody! Its just to test my commitment and my once-inane ability to not cry. (however, I do have an inane ability about keeping my head together.)
Breathe.....sigh...aaah....rant over.
Gotta go, I have to wake up early and spend lots more money to get my shit together. I will write a proper entry in this blog-stay tuned.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
The Chronicles of Madness
I'm not too sure whats going on, but hey, it ain't big or clever. I don't know where my friends are! My friend Ash is supposed to have come over two hours ago, but he hasn't and I don't know where he is! I know I don't trust him, and thank fuck for that or is sabbatical would have hurt my feelings and I'd be even more scared of college tomorrow.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Free falling
I can't type much. I went to a GYUK meet, finished my job, did a training day for the first time ever and got liked. My friends and whoever else is coming out of the woodwork. And I'm so, so, tired.
I watched Leon last week, I think. I dunno when, but it was very good, although I wasn't 100% listening. Now, I'm watching Jerry Maguire which is a great comedy! You know its great cos you recognise that this is where all the cliches came from (eg: Some Like It Hot) I'm at the point where he just lost Cush as well to a contract, because of Cuba Gooding Jr. Oh, no.
However, Tuesday night, I watched the worst film of all time. It was a superhero Marvel adaption named Captain Fury. I better number this. I really do think I've found the worst film of all time. If you can, er 'better' this for want of another word, I will applaud and place your link on my blog, cos face it, we all want to be seen.
I watched Leon last week, I think. I dunno when, but it was very good, although I wasn't 100% listening. Now, I'm watching Jerry Maguire which is a great comedy! You know its great cos you recognise that this is where all the cliches came from (eg: Some Like It Hot) I'm at the point where he just lost Cush as well to a contract, because of Cuba Gooding Jr. Oh, no.
However, Tuesday night, I watched the worst film of all time. It was a superhero Marvel adaption named Captain Fury. I better number this. I really do think I've found the worst film of all time. If you can, er 'better' this for want of another word, I will applaud and place your link on my blog, cos face it, we all want to be seen.
- Captain Fury is David Hasselhoff.
- You'd there : "Good God, 'nuff said!'. But wait, theres more. Said character wears cotton eye patch.
- His sidekicks are in some leather uniform all cut in a really crap way. I mean, David Hasselhoff in leather, goodness
- Their enemy is the Nazis, yet at the end of the film the hero gets away in this weird looking spaceship thing (crap special effects too)
- One of sidekicks has crap hair and a fake mole.
- Terrible jokes...cliched things that aren't even funny because they are cliched.
Those are all the reasons I can think right now, but my other diary has about 14+ reasons why that film was so diabolical. There's no reason...why the hell did they get David Hasselhoff? Has anyone else seen that movie....? This entry isn't the best, I agree. But I really am not thinking straight. Hell, I ain't straight, but thats so beside the point. I have till Thursday (first day at college) to get my act together and start a new phase of my life..and all that jazz.
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