Thursday, November 25, 2004

Daylight and Cloudy, Yellow Moons

I really had the greatest day today. And yesterday. The day before that was pretty good too. But today was the best...

Woke up perfectly on time. I had cut, and bled and it was all over my upper arm-I got cleaned up and got over it quickly-I just needed to take the 'pressure' off me, I was just going mad with this happiness thing. But I'll say more about that later. Anyway, cool breakfast, met with my breakfast buddies and talked about weird but great sandwich fillings ie: chocolate and marmalade/peanut butter and bannana. Then I got on the train to Hammersmith just as it was pulling into the station in perfect timing and got to college ten minutes early-early enough to talk about the virtues of weetabix with various classmates.

My first of two lessons was double Classics and I hadn't done my homework for two weeks (ok, three) in a row but luckily Liz wasn't in and we had a Swedish substitute for the first half, then one of my classmates-Kit (cool austrailian dude who had the nervous breakdown last year) took over. We played hangman (titfuck and bazooka were the words) with the really nervous Swedish teacher popping in now and again. Hilarious. He then showed us his bong (to smoke weed with! Oh, you and your dirty mind...) and his 'happy box' and was giving out ginger chocolate and discussing the theories of the meaning of life (he does philosophy) I had to go to politics.

Then there was this impromptu trip to visit the ducks (our college, in Twickenham, is right by the Thames) with Richard, and some others. They alll turned out to be from my creative writing club! You see, after you perform fake laughing on the carpet an sing together for a laugh, a bond is made. Which was evident. There were 10 of us: three ellies, jack, richard, me, andy, alexis, rowena and dominic-we all got on had a laugh collecting provisions (within I was able to convince Alexis about the genius of belgian chocolate flapjacks and have him buy me one. I'm such a vixen.) So laden with german/greek biscuits, cheap bread and farle (? its irish potato bread. One of the weirdest things I've tasted) and went to the thames-we had like a two hour break so it was fine. There were swans and geese and ducks and we almost got surrounded cos they loved the greek praline twizzler things we were throwing at them. Once we had run out, we ate some ginger biscuits and watched hobos rowing with those woody rower contraptions in a metal boat. It looked like something you'd see in 1940s Mississipi or a scenery thing in A View From A Bridge by Arthur Miller. Classic. And this woman was handing feeding the swans, and this lonely looking asian man emptied out five loaves worth of stale bread and we were surrounded by pigeons and seagulls. Maybe he just wanted to rule the world. Maybe we just hated us having such a laugh and wanted to have the ginger crunch. We had to leave...

Taking our time about Twickenham town, we talked and laughed about all sorts of silly things. We named ourselves the alternative group. And I wondered about yesterday, when I was so up but so down on it, and decided not to rain on my own parade for once. It's Richard's 17th b'day on Saturday, and he was feeling down because he didn't get any presents, or do anything last year. I had a good idea about how he felt, and I bought him this pad of plain paper because he's always doodling medieval characters or the ancient greek he's taught himself during Politics. It bought it from Wilkos (woot!) and put three sheets on the top cause it looked so cheap, and I put on it Richard C's little book of somethings, a doodle of his pipe he doesn't smoke with (ashmatic), and then a list of great things about Britain, because we went out to lunch and met up with this muslim couple and he ordered bacon and eggs...they left, of course and Rich felt crap afterwards, insulting his britishness. I couldn't stand for that, and made a list that included the invention of the compass, Sir Ian Mckellen and libraries (like me, his favourite smell is old books. They're dead sexy). And made some pages for him to fill out (fave music/people/books etc). There were six of us left now by Twickenham station, because it was nearly 2pm and I finished at midday (I *love* Thursdays). He was so happy and so...god. He gave me a hug, and he doesn't hug anybody. He even said it was the best present anybody had ever given him, ever. He was so cheered, and I was just so surprised because I didn't think this day could get better and it only took me half a hour to make last night, and now I gotta do something fabulous for christmas. He even took down my birthday on his phone, just to make sure he doesn't forget it! I felt lame cos I couldn't do anything for him on the day (I wonder if he has anything planned?), but after half a hour of deliberations and scrumptious stallings, I went for home. Read a chapter of Fingersmith by Sarah Waters and got home to a an empty quiet home, where I had to write this diary entry...

Feeling quite content. If I didn't cut last night, maybe this day wouldn't be so clearly brilliant. Maybe I'd be wearing shadowy glasses and I'd forget to bring Richards present and I'd pick apart every little thing I wore. Hated me pink wool top...You see, I'm quite a cynical character when it comes to things concerning me, myself and my mind. I cannot comprehend it. Happiness?! I don't deserve it, you see. Wish I knew why. But then, if I did, I would have to forgive myself and I would have a 'perfect' life. I can't:
  • Have a girlfriend
  • A job (as a carer for grandad. A few hours a week...)
  • Be going to Manchester in two weeks...
  • Have gone down two dress sizes in three months
  • Have great friends
  • Have good grades
  • Writing some good stuff that matters, that is real and presents itself truly.
  • Have Alice want me!
  • I can't, I can't, I can't feel happy. Ever. I don't allow it.

I'm scared of the daylight...but I know what I feel is implausible. I know I'm being unfair on myself, and I know that Alice likes me. I felt it, somewhere and I held onto it for three months (since I accepted that I wanted her). So, hell yes, I'm scared of the daylight, the sun, happiness, my possible truth, but there's a clingy girl inside of me who knows how to love and is confident in her loving. She is tugging me insistently to hope. I won't brush her off, just yet.

Gosh- and when I was walking to the bus stop, there was a gorgeous sunset, it was pink and gold and smothering, everlasting. And...I got a buy one get one free (coffee and hot choc) offer from Starbucks - perfect because I'm seeing Alice on Sunday, and she loves coffee, whilst I love hot chocolate. And you can understand now why I'm indignant?

If there was a song that could complete me now...

Coldplay - Daylight

To my surprise, and my delight

I saw sunrise, I saw sunlight

I am nothing in the dark

And the clouds burst to show daylight

Ooh and the sun will shine

Yeah on this heart of mine

Ooh and I realise

Who cannot live without

Ooh come apart without

On a hill top, on a sky-rise

Like a first born child

On a full day, and a full flight

Defeat darkness, breaking daylight

Ooh and the sun will shine

Yeah on this heart of mine

Ooh and I realise

Who cannot live without

Ooh come apart withoutDaylight

Slowly breaking through the daylight (x22 to fade)


No comments: