Sunday, June 19, 2005

Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself

This is an email to my lovely CarpeDM who asked in my other post why I cut and purge. I don't really know, but I think this helps explain some things to my lovely readers. Tomorrow I'm off to Barcelona for four days and I won't be posting until Saturday. Barcelona is very spanish speaking, very hot, and is nearby the beach. A magnaminous multidude of things could go wrong. For one thing, I'm forgetting my swimsuit and my t-shirts etc.

It could be fun as well, I guess. There's so much beautiful architecture and landscaping by this Gaudi guy, and there's the Futureventura (sp?) and all the restaurants and gay clubs but since I'm going with my family I can't have that much fun. Maybe another time I could go with my friends. Anyways, I'm off to write some last emails, have some conversations, read up on Lioness and CarpeDM and pack! I'll see you soon, you pretty people.


I thought I'd email you this time. You're pretty much a good, caring friend now.

I'm sorry. Firstly and all. I don't like hurting people, so I hurt myself instead. I don't know why I got this double whammy. To tell you the truth they come in one and a pair. When I started cutting I was already bulumic and an overeater. I was fucked up from the they always came hand in hand. One always compensates for the other. One is always stronger than the other.

I have a feeling I have depression, but the people who can help me - doctors, counsellors, psychiatrists - don't believe me. See, when I see these people without knowing I become very bright and chatty and witty, even matter how bad the last night was. They don't see me as they do on my blog, or how Ria worries about me. They think I'm a very intelligent, 'pretty', witty, chatty, confident girl who's surrounded by friends and is simply going through a rough patch. They don't seem to listen to the fact that is now my fifth year of depression. It doesn't matter. So after these sessions I'm so depressed and exhausted I cut. Also, they can't see any problems past my weight so I have those eating problems too. Doctors don't want to give me prescription drugs, and I'm not sure I want them.

So, since I can't get through to doctors etc to see its a chemical imbalance and not an emotional whim, I'm a little screwed. I'm sorry to worry you, but I hate this situation I've been painted in. It just feels as if there's no way out for me, no resolution. I wish it didn't feel that way.

Betty xxx

No comments: