I'm back at college and I'm posting in the library. Why is that everytime I'm in here there's idiots messing around for no reason, and why are they always black? There's just as many white idiots in this college, but they avoid the library and smoke dope/smack in the green bits, away from the library, where I'm trying to concentrate.
Today has been dull. I've been looking through universities and looking at courses. Considering that if I drop Classics I'll be predicted AAA, I can pretty much go for wherever I want. I used to want to go to Oxford - since I was quite little really, it was the only university I knew. But now, and due to my horrid, negative state of mind I figure Oxford will the final catalyst and kill me. Or, I will turn psycho, against my introverted scorn sensiblities and blow up the university. Could I really bear that?
These are the universities I've narrowed down to:
- London School of Economics?
So far my favourite is Sussex. It's right by Brighton so I can be comfortable in my sexuality, its a beach town, which I find strangely ocmforting, its in the top 60 in the world, and is one of the best in Britain and it's the only decent place that does Gender Studies and International relations. So, I aim for it, and I think I'll get there. I hope to be thin when I get there as well.
Right now, I'm a size 18. That is one big ass and thighs. My stomach refuses to go down as well. I hate it all. My face is okay because I have big brown eyes, clear (enough) skin and apparentely a "winning" smile, but my goddamn fat cheeks hide my high cheek bones. All weekend, at around midnight I go on an exericse binge. I use small weights (water bottles) and do aerobics, or lots of kicks and punches. Get all the anger out. I tend to do that for as long as I can, which is usually an hour and a half. Also, I have to eat as little as I can. Today I had cornflakes, a cup of tea, toast, half a choc-fudge-nut cake (Jesus) and an apple. Obviously too much - about 700-750 calories. I have to eat less. Much, much less. About 1000 a day at the most and exercise off 800 of those. Well, thats the plan. And I have to plan it. I have to keep focus. I cannot stand being this fat bitch anymore. I can't stand being in my own skin. Apparentely over-excessive exercise (I once exercised so hard I made myself throw up) is another form of bulumia. Good. At least I'll actually lose some weight this time.
Today I've been a bitch to Rich. I don't mean to. He's going through a shit time at the moment and I don't feel as if I'm helping. Well, I know I'm not helping. The problem is communication. I find it impossible to get anyone's attention at a literal level, or on the phone, or by email (wait thats...) and even when I do I have what I've started to call "the sleeping frog in my frog". It was put there one night by my Salesmen and so I can never communicate my problems or how I'm feeling. Since the sleeping frog fits snugly and goes a little crazy sometimes (crazy...frog...if you're from Britain you'll understand my sentiment entirely) then there's only space for gibberish, expletives or brilliant bullshit. So I cut my thigh, I cut my upper arm and I cut some more because I can't speak, and I let the marks speak for me.
And God, I've got Barcelona next week. How dare I complain. I mean load sof people want to go on holiday, stuck in their office jobs or waiting tables. I feel for them. Yet it'll be hot an I'll be in long sleeves looking stupid. I'm a water baby, and there'll be expecting me to dive into the sea by the BEACH in my SWIMMING OUTFIT, and when I go shopping they'll be expecting me to buy SUMMER clothes. This is going to go on for four days. Maybe I could fake food poisoning and I'll have to stay in. Maybe I'll just forget to buy such things and concentrate on presents for my friends instead. Maybe I'll just avoid the beach and go shopping or look at paintings, or write! It's only four days. It's only four days.
Oh, and the title? Rich bunked off this seminar of the Etruscans (an ancient civilisation he loves) in Oxford for a very sweet and pretty girl. On the Monday he just decided to go reading the books instead during our Ancient Greek lesson. It's the thing I've enjoyed most all day. O Zeus!