Saturday, June 11, 2005

Okay, Okay, I'm going to try and make sense now

Yesterday was really great. I actually had my birthday celebrated. Me, Rich and Alex went to a Tandoori restaurant. I had a chicken biriyani and peshwari naan, of which I gave half away. I'm enjoying not eating too much. I've been motivated by the fact that the more I gain weight, the bigger my cup size gets. Soon enough I'll be approached for porn films and that.

Afterwards, we thought 'what the hell' and went to this Cinema - I loved it as it was an old cinema but still all the overpriced goodness of the big cinemas. In Richmond we watched Sin City (18 hehe). Twas very violent, but I loved it was shot in black and white, with optional colour for some women's dresses or for eyes. Also, blood was stark white - the brightest thing on the screen, and it looked like paint. I just loved being part of a group (even if was just me and Alex - Rich had to go home), especially as my ticket was paid for in honour of my birthday. I even looked half decent. It was amazing!

Yet, today, today...crashed a little. I was torn between trying to write my novel or cleaning up. Because I woke late I didn't have to eat till 3. This got very excited, but I was so tired I just listened to Razorlight all day, dreaming of crashing their set at the Hyde Park Live 8 because BNP men were giving out leaflets and when you complained, the patrolling officer called you a nigger bitch (what, I'm imaginative), only to have snogged Johnny Borrell on stage etc etc.

I was trying to keep some of whatever good mood I had yesterday, but it was going, going. I tried to call all of my friends but they were out somewhere, getting the girl, going on the internet, doing so many other important things. And of course whenever you went downstairs your Dad would start moaning at you because you didn't indulge in his DIY. So I "infulged" in tiredness and misery (inFulged - inDulged in Feeling. It's a new word. Use it). I just curled up, not feeling hungry, throwing up stomach acid, crying. I didn't realise some of my friends and others had been commenting and that of course I wasn't alone. No one is really alone. Just look at PostSecret. But sometimes I feel like I'm inside a cage.

I just know that I'm going...dissociating...there's a page on this from RYL which makes the most sense, but not right now. I'm going to have to go and be alone again. Dad keeps nagging, nagging, nagging. But I'll keep trying to stay on track and stay in this world for reality's sake. Wait, sorry, I said I'd make sense this time. Never mind.

No comments: