Olympics

Woo-hoo!!! Kelly Holmes has won at last! (Thinks of obscure jazz song). I've loved her for ages, and I've always knew she'd get ahead because not only from one glance at her stomach you could tell she'd knock you out, she has brains too. She ran that race like a genius-she read the group and figured her own ending. And hey, it paid dividends. Congrats to her! Too bad about Mutolo-she got out of the medals completely (4th place, which is the worst place ever, anywhere). And, she looks a lot like my old RE teacher and my friend's mother so I like her even more...



New coping method-putting thumbnail between teeth. Every time my brother tries to sound superior or just does-not-shut-up while I'm reading on the web and I put my thumbnail between my teeth. It reminds of Romeo and Juliet, Act 1 Scene 1 in the brawl between the minor characters-its this line saying 'I bit my thumb at you, sir!' which back was like giving the finger. So, of course I do it, think of the line and a big fucking smile spreads on my face as I think of Shakespearean poetry which is infinitely technical and beautiful. Problem is, I'm gonna get a massive gap in my front teeth.

I've been knackered all day. Its my period's fault. It actually came through my skirt and I had to stay sitting for as much as possible and eat loads of chocolate...it has helped, slightly.

Last night was strange. I kept thinking about suicide, and it drove me the other way. I found this site which was pro-suicide and I couldn't stop thinking about it. But, it made me think about it. Really think about it. And I came to a clear and utter conlcusion: that I love life. Its just that I don't like mine so much. They asked questions, talking about suicide in such a clear cut way I could really consider it, not just those moments...

And it asked if I was to commit suicide, would it be a passionate moment of helplessness beyond painful, or a calm, cold hearted decision which took weeks to execute perfectly? I knew, and I realised I really wouldn't kill myself. I'm a 'hypocrite' as they call me. I remembered a line in Fearless (number 13?) in the same book Ella died, and she was face to face with some assassin, and it said something about the coldness on the assassin's face, and realised she was in real trouble. So I'm not suicidal. Just desperate, and that can change easily.

Also, I spent half the night reading my text messages and my Best Of Beth Orton album. Pretty much all of them were from Nik and Alice and they were so bright-its the only way I could describe and I actually cried with happiness. I've never done that and recently, I thought it would never happen. But I'm weaker than I thought!

Ooh, and I found something I was typing up for this blog while my internet cut out. It was about my coming:

This blog entry is for me, and me alone. Its just that ever since the Storm (yes, its notorious among me now) the internet has cut out and I can’t do anything about it. So here is my premature entry, as I wait for my dad to take heed. Also, I hope to put in an entry before I go off to Cumbria next week. I’m starting to slowly realise I am the luckiest girl in the planet this week. My coming out went so much better (but blander) than any other coming out I’ve ever dreamt of. He knew. He knew for 3 months. And he still loves me, he accepts it and there are ‘no problems at all…should there be?’ The words a scared lesbian dreams of hearing, but it never really happens to them. I dreamed Dad would at first be blinded, but eventually would accept it. It would follow his nature. Right then, he was acting totally out of character, and I ave no idea who this man is who’s loving me completely for who I am. Who accepted that I have a girlfriend (even though I don’t…bah)

Kinda dopey, isn't it? I look back through my old entries. I've been through a bad patch, thats what depression is all about. But if you lose all sense of perecption then, my, my you're a goner. Gotta go, I have to choose some poetry for the 2nd...I think I'm nuts! Anyways, I haven't had any comments for ages-I wanna hear what you think of me...