Way To Fall

Snaps of lyrics from Starsailor's Way To Fall

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Oh, I got something in my throat

I need to be alone,

While I suffer

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Son, you've a way to kill

They're picking on your skin

But they don't know

Son, you better wait to shout

They'll tell you what is wrong

But they take my

Oh, there's a hole inside my boat.

I need to stay afloat,

For the summer.

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I'm just tired, really. Long day at work, wet from a sudden storm, and my hair is a mess. I won't eat. I refuse to eat right now, because I need to discipline myself better. I have to stop cutting...I'm starting to run out of room on my left arm. The only places clear are the bits just above my elbow. At work I put on my flowery, floaty top for some reason and I had to my arm in all sorts of ways to make sure they didn't see. I didn't have to worry about my right because it's so clear of scars. It was perfect veneer of weakness. I've started writing more again. I really wasn't writing nnearly enough, and I still got the backlog of 10 poems to write up. I was reading back on a couple of them, and one I wrote last night, and its helped me see I've been in deep with Her (yes, its Her now) for a while, if not...I don't when it started, but I had some idea of it in May 2003 when we did some, er, stuff. (I'mnothungryI'mnothungryI'mnothungry).

I'm just down, a normal downer people have all the time after long tiring days, but I can't even recognise those anymore. You forget that depressed people do feel natural, non-'diseased' downers. It isn't fair. I don't care if I sound like 15 year, 11 month old teenager, unlike the more sophisticated 16 year, 2 month old counterpart. Ah, thank goodness. The hunger is starting to ease off. i used to do this all the time when I was 12, to punish myself, or to control myself, when I was on 'Fat Days' - which were all the time, mind you, I couldn't stand my bulk. And still I piled on the weight. I'm hopeless at anorexia. A lot of the time, I wonder if thats a good thing.

The sky outside reflects my mood: Grey with streaks of dreamy faraway blue. Right now, what I want more than anything is to just talk forever, like this line in Lucas by Kevin Brooks : "Don't stop! Never Stop! Just keep running...forever..." (something like that). The ivy walls beside me are glittered with drops of water. When I was walking home i could feel my relief drowning in rain water when the sun burst of nowhere. It nearly blinded me. Immediately I looked round, shielding my eyes, for that rainbow. It never came. Then a quote came at me: 'It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow' - I don't know who's it is, but its one of the signatures at GYUK. You just have to remember that the sky, life and nature is like an oil pastel painting, if I'm correct.