Religion

My day started at midday and finished at 8pm-I spent the day in Childrens Express, taking part in some focus group in which I had no idea what I doing, so i just played along. Later, I met up with James, a friend of mine to find out he got ABBD in his AS-levels and we celebrated quietly. Then, I started my Project Subway thing. I haven't got all the details, but its basically a journalism course that should lead to work experience which I've gotten a bigger passion for lately.

On the way home, I met one my mystery 'Bus buddies'. I have a whole truckload of them. On the journey home and one the journey you're two different people, because your day never goes how you expect it to, and the emotions are all tied up. Before you get home, all these emotions play up on your face because hey, your friends never get the same bus as you. Its kinda your place, except for the strangers you're sharing with.

Anyways, one of my buddies is this very 'black' Christian woman with morals of a Jamacian grandmother. She thinks I'm a believer for some reason, I'm not entirely sure why. We met on my doorstop. She was posting out her views of the lord and I was bored so I let her speak. She's really nice and I always wonder when, if ever I'm gonna throw my hands up and tell her I don't believe in God and I don't think I ever will. Before it was because i wasn't bothered to defend myself, now I don't want her to not like me. Technically I'm an atheist because I don't believe in God, and I don't really think he's there. However, last night, recently, well ever since i read this interview by Philip Pullman! I've realised that there's no way I can so presumptuous and narrow-minded to think there can't possibly be a God. How could I ever know? He doesn't interfere with our lives because he gave humans licence to dictate their own lives. Strange things happen and fate fucks around with us like a Rampant Rabbit. Wouldn't it be so easy, and nice to imagine another world where you have a Get Out of Jail Free card, a perfect role model, a perfect secret and an unwavering solid definition of what life is supposed to be all about. It's delicious, isn't it?

But not for me.

I take pride in the fact this my own life, and this what my parents and science gave me. I like the fact that sometimes science doensn't make sense and in fact there's something underhand at this point. A life without mystery is a life not worth living, if you ask me. And just as well I couldn't possibly determine that there is no God, religious people have no right to break their own religious laws because they can't imagine a world without Dieties/a Diety. Who can say? Who can tell? No one! Absolutely no one! And certainly not the Pope or Dalai Lama or any other leaders of religion because they're the silliest of them all. C'est ridicule. We all need to understand that all our individual knowledge is nothing than a pebble on a long widing pathway of life and living. Of course, that one conspicuous pebble, may be the one you pick up and hold with you for eternity. But it can just as well be the pebble next to you, because its brighter, or redder or slightly rounder and it reminds you of your mother's face. You can never determine something as big and mysterious as that, let alone live with it without ever wondering about it. So I call myself Agnostic, or Agneist, because I think its the most logical state of belief, if I am right. I'm not tearing myself apart, I'm not a coward who worried too much about choosing, I simply decide not to.

Anyway, the Christian was at my bus stop with her grandson, her face without wrinkles looking as if she was 45, if it wasn't for the grey streams that didn't betray her. At Childrens Express, religion came up, and they were saying there were Christian or Catholic and I couldn't decipher the difference, despite being in Catholic education since I was 6 (probably because of that). So I asked her, and she said that Christianity is the religion where you sing or cry n church, right in front of God because you're so alive! And that Catholicism is all kneepads, gold, jewellery and silence and its not as real and is simply more threatening. All I can see, I ended up asking in some way why Christianity was better than Catholicsm. She told me a story of how God supported her through some court case where she just said she would some £85,000 settlement and she no money. But she said her heart felt so much lighter, because it wasn't her money (God inspires to work, she says) and somehow everything came together and she managed to pay the money. Just paragraph in a life.

Now, I have to go and work at Oxfam and buy some things from Tesco. My Dad has gone to Athens for the Olympics and he's gone for 10 days, meaning he's going to miss my GCSE results and he'll have to hear them over the phone. And miss my hair appointment-I'm gonna get some red extensions-I've wanted this for years now and I'm finally able to get them!! This morning, just as he was out of the door, and it shut and the house was stonily silent, I realised I was going to miss him a little. And a real smile played on my face.

Below, is a description of what I think of my family. I was depressed last night, so I may be a little biased. Read, if you wanna.


When I think about my family isn't too bad. It's just the fact I'm so distant from we might as well be living in three separate houses. My brother has bullied me in some way or other since I was tiny and thus I avoid him as much as possible and I'm horrible to him. From him I learnt how to lose friends and alienate people. I always make up some lie cos he keeps asking me questions all the time and I don't trust him one little bit and I think part of me is scared of him cos I know I will never ever ever talk to him about anything spiritual and deep ever cos I don't trust him. He has the ability to ruin my entire day, he makes me feel like the smallest person in the entire world.

I don't know my mum. I see her all the time, and I don't see her as a mother-she's more of a family friend, just a friend to me. We get on well, but her religion has ruined part of our friendship forever. I know that nothing we ever do I will see as overly important or building. I love her, but I don't know her very well and I don't feel the need to even though she's sorry for leaving my family for her religion.

Dad-I've never been so distant from him. The coming out, instead of bringing us closer, has driven us so far apart I'm not sure if I'll ever bne able to bridge that gap. It was the fact he didn't understand that it is a big deal, and that he didn't think comparing gay people to paedophiles wouldn't have caused us any damage. The rest of my family-we're all quite close, but I never tell them anything. I just don't. I don't bother. I feel the need to censor myself all the time because I don't feel safe because I DON'T KNOW THEM. And I'm not sure I could ever change that. So really, my family isn't dysfunctional: they're happy and close-knit and financially ok-its me who is the anomaly.