Friday, August 26, 2005

Secret's Out

I have a few secrets for you.

Secret 1: Firstly, I'm drinking whiskey and coke at three in the afternoon. But this is for a very good reason. My mother is coming over. I love her, but I wanted to get over myself first and see a friend who's going to Sheffield, and it may be the last time I see him. Also, mum is sleeping over in my room and I don't know if I'm comfortable with that, since I have all my razors and my sick bucket etc so close by. I'll also have to wear long sleeves and hope she doesn't get nosy or some sort of motherly instinct even though we haven't seen each other since the 1st of June.

Secret 2: I've been hating myself a lot recently. So much so I'm lethargic, and I hardly ever leave my room. I can't get to sleep anytime before 2am and my Dad keeps waking me at 8 cos he thinks I'm just lazy. I've been feeling a lot of social anxiety. Honestly, it comes in from time to time but I hate it because I don't think it's me. In reality, I love being with my close friends talking about anything and everything be it on some vanilla sleepover or in a lesbian strip club drinking Manhattans (or something). Like yesterday was GCSE results day and one of my friends wanted to go the pub. I was in a really bad way. I wasn't up to leaving my bedroom, let alone out of the house and onto two buses to get drunk at a pub (and I feel nervous around pubs, like some kind of long gone racial residue). I lied - I said my cousin got mugged to get him away, and I'm quite embarrassed as he's a nice guy and I keep blowing him off. I don't know why I feel so ugly (OK...where did that come from?)

I just hate, detest, loathe secrets - telling secrets. I have secrets and demons for every day of my life. Keeping secrets is my nature because it's my world, my mind and I prefer to keep people out of it (most of the time; its a nasty world). So if I'm not telling you something, don't be offended - I simply can't afford to. But I just can't keep this one quiet cos I don't know what to do with it - whether to put it away into my mind. To embrace it fully or shoot it dead.

I might be schizophrenic. It's self diagnostic. I used to think I was the mother of the world, with the ability to destroy the world very easily (before you panic realise I don't think like that anymore). I was ready to kill at 13. I've been hallucinating ad hearing things for nearly all my life. Social anxiety and this pathetic apathetic lethargy has re-occurring since I was born. It's not too un-obvious. If you know me (well not so easy) and check up the symptons it won't surprise you.

Another secret: I'm terrified that I am going to disappear into some crazy person. I'm going mad with worry in case I do become that delusional person again and I won't be able to hide it. I heard anti-psychotics and definite hospitalisation (considering I'm hurting myself)and I've been freaking out. Any my mum is coming over and I don't know if I can hide away from her for long.

Secret: The drink is not enough and I don't know what to do.

1 comment:

CarpeDM said...

Betty, sorry I haven't commented yet, my computer was acting up and I wasn't able to leave comments. Truly irritating.

1. Drinking by yourself at three in the afternoon is not good. No matter what your reasons. I'm sorry, being brutally maternal here but I can't help it. I thought you got rid of the razors. And I'm concerned about the sick bucket. I understand about having an eating disorder because I have one myself (overeating but I have gained control over it. Not eating when I'm depressed, etc. Only eating when I'm hungry). I think the best thing that could happen for you is that someone does discover your secret, other than the internet.

2. Have you seen someone about this? The anxiety can be adjusted. I know that you said that you were leery of taking pills but wouldn't that be better than getting drunk or cutting? I've blown people off before and it never feels good to do it but sometimes it's hard to say no without coming up with something major because they just don't get it. I don't know why you feel so ugly either. You are not ugly. You are a wonderful person and stop hating yourself. Dammit.

It's good that you have revealed the secrets, even if it's just on the internet and you're hiding.

Okay, about the schizophrenic thing, self diagnosing is not the way to go. I was once diagnosed as being borderline schizophrenic which is not as horrible as it sounds. I was talking to clocks. And once overheard Japanese beetles say they were going to destroy all of America's plants in retaliation for Hiroshima.

Being a teenager is already a horrific time because you have all of the hormones running rampant through your system. You add a chemical imbalance to that and you end up completely not sure of what to do about anything and think that you are going mad. And yeah, you know, in a way you are. Because you get so worried about trying to prove that you're normal and there is nothing to worry about that you go crazy trying to hide it. It doesn't always work. The best thing that ever happened for me was the happy pills. It's not a bad idea to look into it.

Look, I worry. Okay? I can't help it. Some days you are good, some days are bad and I've been there. I tried to kill myself six times from the time I was 13 to the time I was 17-18. You're not alone. I am always an email away, when my stupid email works. And if you have MSN messenger, let me know. Not that I'll probably ever be online at the same time as you since you are six hours ahead but it's worth a shot, right?

Anyway, I hope things get better. Because I do worry.