I have a few secrets for you.
Secret 1: Firstly, I'm drinking whiskey and coke at three in the afternoon. But this is for a very good reason. My mother is coming over. I love her, but I wanted to get over myself first and see a friend who's going to Sheffield, and it may be the last time I see him. Also, mum is sleeping over in my room and I don't know if I'm comfortable with that, since I have all my razors and my sick bucket etc so close by. I'll also have to wear long sleeves and hope she doesn't get nosy or some sort of motherly instinct even though we haven't seen each other since the 1st of June.
Secret 2: I've been hating myself a lot recently. So much so I'm lethargic, and I hardly ever leave my room. I can't get to sleep anytime before 2am and my Dad keeps waking me at 8 cos he thinks I'm just lazy. I've been feeling a lot of social anxiety. Honestly, it comes in from time to time but I hate it because I don't think it's me. In reality, I love being with my close friends talking about anything and everything be it on some vanilla sleepover or in a lesbian strip club drinking Manhattans (or something). Like yesterday was GCSE results day and one of my friends wanted to go the pub. I was in a really bad way. I wasn't up to leaving my bedroom, let alone out of the house and onto two buses to get drunk at a pub (and I feel nervous around pubs, like some kind of long gone racial residue). I lied - I said my cousin got mugged to get him away, and I'm quite embarrassed as he's a nice guy and I keep blowing him off. I don't know why I feel so ugly (OK...where did that come from?)
I just hate, detest, loathe secrets - telling secrets. I have secrets and demons for every day of my life. Keeping secrets is my nature because it's my world, my mind and I prefer to keep people out of it (most of the time; its a nasty world). So if I'm not telling you something, don't be offended - I simply can't afford to. But I just can't keep this one quiet cos I don't know what to do with it - whether to put it away into my mind. To embrace it fully or shoot it dead.
I might be schizophrenic. It's self diagnostic. I used to think I was the mother of the world, with the ability to destroy the world very easily (before you panic realise I don't think like that anymore). I was ready to kill at 13. I've been hallucinating ad hearing things for nearly all my life. Social anxiety and this pathetic apathetic lethargy has re-occurring since I was born. It's not too un-obvious. If you know me (well not so easy) and check up the symptons it won't surprise you.
Another secret: I'm terrified that I am going to disappear into some crazy person. I'm going mad with worry in case I do become that delusional person again and I won't be able to hide it. I heard anti-psychotics and definite hospitalisation (considering I'm hurting myself)and I've been freaking out. Any my mum is coming over and I don't know if I can hide away from her for long.
Secret: The drink is not enough and I don't know what to do.