Saturday, September 17, 2005


I've seem to have lost the will to live.

I do not feel any more love for life, and neither does She.

I think I'm nearing the end. There's a panic in my heart that feels like I'm finally getting close to my ending. I'm so sad. On the phone I can't say a thing, to your face they'll be a big fat smile and all alone, disconnected on the Net I will cry and cry and have people ignore me because I'm worthless that way.

I have nothing to do. Idleness leads to thinking.Thinking leads to sorrow. This is usually where the love for life kicks in. The beauty of Autumn, five hour phone conservations. Cuddling. Mum's homemade flapjacks of which I haven't had for 11 years. I don't just seem to feel anything anymore. There's nothing there. And I'm a failure for this.

So, without my Will I play pinball on my laptop for hours, and continue collecting paracetemol. I buy new tools. For once, I am completely sober. Music doesn't move me as it once did. Why wash? I'll only have to do it again sooner or later.

Loneliness leads to despair. Despair, unheeded and unadulterated, leads to loss. I am a lost cause. To tell you the truth, it doesn't help that it's like 5 degrees Centigrade and there's no heating in the house. I'm typing to keep my fingers warm. My toes are a lost cause. I feel very poor and feel guilty for being the unemployed bum I am. Now I'm just being self-indulgent. But I don't feel anything. I'm just crying, and I have neither the strength or the Will to try to gain the botherness to stop them.

Empty shell. Is that dust?


Udge said...

Take a look at your own sidebar: "normal teenage confusion". Tell yourself, "yes, that's true, that's what it is".

You are neither mad nor worthless. (Even if you were mad, that wouldn't make you worthless.)

People ignore you (if that is really what's happening) because people ignore everyone and everything but themselves, don't take it personally. (BTW, are the people who comment here ignoring you?)

Turn up the heating, have a long hot bath and go to bed early - and sober. Tomorrow, go to your doctor and ask his/her advice about therapy.

CarpeDM said...

I couldn't tell you how often I felt like I was invisibile when I was growing up. A lot of times I would say something and no one would respond and I would wonder "Did I actually say anything? Do I actually exist?" It's a horrible, horrible feeling.

But it does get better. I know that I wrote that I lost myself but I also found myself as well. Because of medication, I am a much happier person than I was as a teenager. Having a chemical imbalance and going through the changes that you go through as a teenager is hell. I would not wish it on anyone.

Give Ria a hug for me. Give yourself a hug for me.

Beijos (Portuguese for kisses)