Sunday, September 18, 2005


Don't you just love them?

I am now watching another Sunday movie, in this case, Legally Blonde. Everytime I watch that film I always end up feeling good about myself. She's a clever bimbo who will succeed but will also refuse to change in to fit in.

Yesterday I went on a study skills day with this asian lady. It didn't start off well. For one thing I was slightly hungover (as I am more often than not these days :S ) and twenty minutes before I was due to leave the house Dad went all draconian on me and we had a big fight, made me cry because I've been feeling bad lately, but I didn't give him the satisfaction, but I still got into the day half an hour late. It was really boring and wouldn't stop talking about her traumatic life: her alcoholic abusive Dad killed himself when she was 18, had a child when she was 21 when her manic-depressive mum died and then got divorced. But then become some sort of life coach to the stars, that sort of story. Even so, really boring. All I got was depressed. And she was telling us to be motivated etc, which was to stupid to us GG students. As a whole we're bloody clever, moreishly motivated high achieving, wide thinking perfectionists. And to be told to stop being lazy was self-defeating really and told us nothing new in general. Whats not helping me study is current mental state for the last five years, my inconsiderate family and not having a desk to study on. My persistent bad luck ain't helping either - since I moved I've hardly recieved any letters so getting library cards is my worst nightmare right now. And I really want to study China. I've only read a couple of books but Mao is so interesting. But I'm still not well versed on the actual story. Never mind.

Today I've had a perfect sunday. I woke up at half 11, listened to Oasis and Aretha and Led Zepplin, then had a healthy breakfast, and made my way to town where Tesco ruled supreme to get my Observer Music Monthly where I chatted to the person serving, and I realised that just doesn't happen in Wembley. I also got a kingsize Galaxy, got the bus really quickly and I've reading the same magazine all afternoon. It was great. Dad was polishing his car, Norah Jones' voice doodled lazily in the background, and I was with my magazine, without any homework. It was the like the American Dream.

And it carried on that way, with me and Dad making dinner. We do that sometimes when we're getting on and we've had a good Sunday. I spiced up the turkey (it's my job; I know which spices work) then I cooked it covered in foil for a while, then cooked it blind for half an hour with two lashings of honey of top on the spicy mix. It was crunchy. It was beautiful. I still couldn't help but feel the 50's style denial riding through dinner. But it might have been because I just had an extra large whisky/coke. I really gotta stop drinking. But then I watched Legally Blonde. I'm still not feeling much but I got laughing last night. Since Patty br4oke up with Ria I've been taking care of her like a best friend should. But of course I've been falling and not being very articulate about it. My natural instinct to put on a front for almost any situation leads to miscommunication, rendering counselling pointless.

I have suicidal, real suicidal days once in a while. Have you ever had them? They cripple you. You know that with the perfect opportunity you'll die with a sense of ease in your heart. And yet for some reason, even when you have lost all the will to live like I did, you just refuse to sink down to the razor. But then bouncing back is uncomfortable, difficult. I should make a manual for this kind of thing.


  • Baths are brilliant. Or showers. As long as they're hot and wet and you use sunflower shower gel (maybe thats just me)
  • If you're a normal woman who just can't be arsed normally, paint your nails. Bright beautiful colours on your person draws back out that vitality in you like salt.
  • Dance! I cannot press this enough. When I feel the movement is for cutting, I try to press for happy movement songs (Libertines, Aretha, Baz Luhrmann, Texas) or singing to sigh away your horrid feelings.
  • Make your room tidy. This leaves space for you to sit on the floor. If I have a really intense crying session, and end up sliding to the floor, I stay there for hours. And I manage to think some things through and from the bottom I'm just able to get up again.
  • DO NOT DRINK. You won't get anywhere. It's only good fo if your girl/boyfriend dumped you, and only after midday.
  • Read through friends' appraisals, like 10 things I love about you. Ria did one for me, and whenever I read I feel so loved I just stop feeling down.

I feel really intoxicated right now. I really wanted to continue my stuff and now it'll go away. Why do I drink? I'm in this state of mind where I don't care and I don't feel the urgency to overachieve. I'm sadder but calmer. It makes me feel as if my problems don't mean anything. Most nights, when I'm drinking because I need to drink not because I'm depressed, it helps me sleep without another three + scars on my arm.

So as you can see, bouncing back is hard with so many unsavoury vices. But it is possible with hearts you never knew could exalt so far. I know now that I have to take control of the vices/demons. But I don't know how. I really don't know how. Oh, and I've just seen two army helicopters touch ground, but I am right by an army base. I'm not used to it yet so I think its the coolest thing! Makes you wonder what they've been up to, since its like 11:30 pm over here right now. In fact one's even taking Who are they spying on???

Oh, I heard a clock ticking by the bus stop. It was really loud and the sound wouldn't leave my mind. Its my first auitory hallucination for ages. There's nothing I can do about it, so it doesn't blip in any way shape or form. And...I still can't feel anything, but thats what cutting is for, so I'm holding out for a miracle before I have to start again. Also to get away from as far as my suicidal feelings as possible.


Disgruntledgoat said...

That picture thing is a Radiohead blip.


CarpeDM said...

I do enjoy Legally Blonde. It is a cute movie.

What does this woman's life have to do with studying?

Yes, suicidal days are horrible. Because you think everything would be better if it was just over finally but hopefully you will also think of the people who will miss you terribly.

Serialangel said...

I don't know why the woman's life is anything to do with studying: I think its just bcause she triumped over diversity etc etc, and that we can't complain if we feel tired cos we're So Lucky and Privileged, etc, etc. I know, bloody hell. Pretty much a waste of time.