Well, I was going to go to bed, but then a film featuring transsexuals has come on Channel 4 and opened with Anthony and the Johnsons (Not work safe!), some of my favourite vocalists of all time. His haunting voice can turn you into a bad bad person :)
I'm glad that tonight of all nights I have managed to keep my sanity in check, and keep smiling. A year ago, 365 days, I tried to kill myself. At about this time...I was either crying all over on RYL or being violently sick and weak in my bedroom, I can't really remember. All my thoughts just seemed to pass through time into meaningless musings. And I'm glad of that, because I don't really think anymore, and this would confuse me!
I'm also happy because I'm going to be visiting my best mate soulmate, Ria (read her blog she is such a fabulous writer), in wholey Hull because I just happen to love her that much. And we seem to be getting on this wavelength where we can understand each other and when we have hurt each other, and especially when we need each other. It's just going to be a weekend of drinking, duvets and DVDs but I can't wait.
And I'm kinda happy because the other day I threw away my razors. I was going through this hard timw where everything was coming back. Those Salesmen (this post too), have pretty disappeared. They just upped and left. They seem to have forgotten all about me. It feels kinda lonely. I feel as if they have grown tired of me fighting them, that I never fully gave in to them (even on the night of my overdose as I called an ambulance the next morning) And so I felt like giving in, maybe it was irony. I had brought with me a bag of all my razors and placed them in front of me. I played depressing music. I thought of all of my missed chances. I was trying to push myself to fall off that cliff I had spent so long climbing, just to see if I could do it again. If it wasn't for Ria, my walking stick, I doubt I would have made it. But with her and her unconditional love pulsing through our laptops (haha) I managed to throw them all out of the window. They were gone and they weren't coming back. I still mourn them, since I've forgotten the feeling of them pressing against my skin and beyond and how everything just floats when I cut myself. Recovery is tough.
I also had a tough time with finances. Overdraft has been killing me, and it makes me sick to talk to some of my tutorial peeps who just go shopping all the time, have no job, talk about how hard the work is without barely even trying, and tell me that they're £800 pounds overdraft as if they actually managed to tap into some free money scheme I've missed because I'm still (barely) surviving on £30 a week searching for jobs, going on library hunts and having consistent anxiety attacks and plain old tiredness.
In the same tutor, I began to partly feel this clash of the two Me's. There's one that's a bit of a fuckup and lets her mental issues and her lazyness breed her into something she disdains. And then theres the old me that loves library hunts, actually, and is actually near the top of the class and talks very eloquently...because when she talks everyone just looks at her and think oh gosh I could never do that, I could never make it look so easy I could never work that hard, all without having to work so hard...it happened today and I loved the feeling of being intelligent, and that today of all days, I feel kinda good about myself. Yay me!
I had all sorts of plans (new bank account, job hunting, writing, reading those piles of books from my last library hunt) but I got completely fatigued. I literally couldn't move and felt as helpless as an old book in the back of the shelf that never gets used and isn't able to call attention to itself (poor book). That's my tiredness. My flatmate said it sounded like glandular fever and I have been hanging out a lot with my new friend who has glandular fever (and no, we haven't been kissing cos she's straight and I don't see her that way...she didn't get it through kissing either. Makes me wonder why it's called the kissing disease.) So right now I'm praying it isn't!
And lastly, I would like to formally express my glee at being on the sub banner on Lioness' shiny new pink blog. Yay!!!
Goodbye and bless!!
(icelandic for goodbye. How sweet is that??)
No comments:
Post a Comment