Salesmen

Turns out I didn't explain myself about Salesmen. The night when I thought I had truly defeated 'SG' (scissor god) I had realised who were telling me how disgusting I was and that cutting was the only way out. Its those horrid evil voices in your head, turned bitter by worry and regret. Those voices tell you to doubt your soulmate, they cut off your chances, they stop you speaking out and getting the girl. So I call them Salesmen, because they're convincing me to do something I don't need nor want to do. Salesmen only care that you do what they say, using all sorts of their marketing skills-these Salesmen are dangerous because these voices are part of you. There's no point in viewing it as a dot on the horizon. They are part, or all of the evil within us, and its all about seeing through their schemes-its easier to imagine your Salesman as Mr Anderson from The Matrix. Its always so much better to view your enemy, then they're not some mysterious being that swoops upon like a gale. It makes everything so straightforward and rigid in its movements and actions and methods.

So, Mr Anderson beat me, a couple of days ago, and now I'm having a worrying obsession with trains. I've been travelling a lot lately-to Childrens Express http://www.childrens-express.org.uk, or just around...and I've been on my own after a long hard, or dreading it. I end up standing just short of the edge of the floor, just short of the actual tracks, and I wonder if I'd die if I jumped. Its horrible, thinking like that.  I watch the metal tracks as if I'm on them, as if I'm about to jump and I keep thinking about what happens till the train pulls into the station and I feel the slipstream. Its a bit of the rush, like cutting-it (cutting) doesn't feel good, but now I'm doing it out of habit, to LIVE. Not to just get through the day, but to just function.

I did a little test to see how depressed I was. Here was the result:

Goldberg's depression test:

You have reached level 69 on the Goldberg scale.
0 - 9
Depression unlikely
21 - 35
Minor to moderate depression
10 - 17
Possibly minor depression
36 - 53
Moderate to severe depression
18 - 21
On the verge of depression
54+
Severe depression You are having suicidal thoughts. This is a serious warning sign, and you must seek help quickly.You have the symptoms of severe depression. The condition seems to cause serious problems in your everyday life, and you should consult your doctor immediately.Depression is a disease like any other disease, and it can be treated very effectively. Recognising that you are suffering from depression is the first positive step. If you are depressed, you should arrange to see your doctor to talk about the illness right away. You may also want to raise the issue with your friends and family. You should look for support from these people you until you get well. Anyone can suffer from depression, and the symptoms can vary from person to person. Treatments, including medication and psychotherapy, have a very high success rate.Please note that this test result is not a certain assessment of your mental health. You should always consult a doctor if you feel depressed or if you feel that worries and anxiety have taken over and affected the activities of your daily life.

So, there you have it. I'm quite fucked up. I didn't realise I was as bad as I was. I also did a Self Image Test, and it says I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder (body hate). So, contrary to what my therapist thinks-I don't cut because my mum left me, I cut because I'm disgusting and I hate myself. Don't know why I'm complaining-I've got the rest of my summer planned. I'm working from Monday to Wednesday, I'm at Oxfam on Thurs and Sundays, and on Fridays I'm at Children's Express writing, so I only have Saturdays free till September. I'm apprehensive...tired...thats all for now.