Today

I don't think its going to go too well. For starters, what used to be a slightly overcast day is now a mad hard-hitting storm. Also, the fact that I just can't log into hotmail-its saying: Account Closed. Access Denied.

Even more, its not giving any reason, at all. I can't access my emails, I'm expceting some as well, and I'm losing my mind. (Now Playing: Ryan Adams *Wonderwall*)Today was supposed a 'Me' day, a day to relax, write my chapter and read some of my books. It's my cousin Jason's 17th b'day today, so I'm seeing him later. I have to ask people if they would come with me tomorrow to Childrens Express-my Dad is mucho strict. And I cut myself last night. Just so I could feel something-I was still on the painkiller feeling from Sunday. It was so surreal. I just decided to let go a little, and I didn't make such a big deal of it. I mean, i was crying and i was aware that I was crying but I didn't feel sad, I felt...numb. Alone. (Now Playing: Mad Season-the single) also, I was feeling the beginnings of panic, or sadness, or something. I didn't want to register it as an actual emotion, or i would start self-examinging myself again, and I want to avoid that. It's gonna be a long summer.

I love hard pounding rain. Real rains, like the ones that come once a year in parts of Jamaica and in India. Its natural ferocity, and I think its beautiful. Its the the kind of rain I always to just get out dance in, and just all my fucked-up-ness washes itself away.

The rain has stopped now, and a bit of blue is peeking out. I shoud take more chances.

Anyway, I want to post a little poem of mine. Its Part Two of a poem I wrote called Soul-Break and I find it too personal to use anywhere else but here. Its what i think to myself whenever I want to cut. The most important parts I think are the first verse and the second little verse. I have to remember that you don't have to cut to calm yourself and get rid of the Panic.


Part Two of Soul Break

Falling apart like the Mona Lisa
Is better done than said.
For you have not won.
You lose, in the most glorious way
So as you re-amerge,
Your cracks tacked together,
Remember what you might
Have done instead
To stop your impending breakdown.
Remember that you might have bled
To try and pause a hideous;
Wondrous, inevitable.

And never be afraid, to fall again
In my arms.

Love me truly and give yourself fully
So that I can't hurt you.

Let me give myself faithfully.
Promise that you'll never break me,
Hurt me.

So that when you do,
I'll know that it wasn't true,
That it's not real,
That it was not natural.

I want to make your eyes bejewelled
So kiss me. Gently
And I'll give you my world
To make it rightfully yours.
You already own me,
You silly girl.