Madness

Its a bit late and I can't speak for long right now, so here is what happened today:

Today was a double whammy. I had an interview for my first job and I was doing my other job at Oxfam since the Sunday disaster. Firstly, I thought this day would just go badly: I managed to mess up my perfect top and had to change 20 mins before I got there, and I then found out I applied for a totally different job I thought I'd get. I thought I was applying for a job in a hairdressers, but it turned I posted my CV next door and I had applied to a totally different company. So, shaken and shook (I thought I had been pranked) I went to another interview totally nonplussed. But......I GOT THE JOB!!!! Woo-hoo, I was.

The job sounds manic (tough/mad) though. I have to talk on the phone a lot (I'm nervous about talking to strangers on the phone, despite being a Gemini) and make all these appointments. They tried to show me what to do and it just made my brain hurt. That might have been because I stayed up till 2am listening to Alex Parks wondering why I attacked myself (more later). I'm being paid...£4 a hour and now my life will be so busy, because I have two jobs and Children's Express and I'm going to have to juggle everything. At least my typing is better. I like being busy-it means I lose weight. I have proof for this. I have to keep holding up my size 20 trousers: they keep sliding down my arse, which means shopping! and more good news.

Oxfam was cool. I worked with this new guy two years younger than Dad all afternoon and hardly anything went wrong, I even managed to tame the bloody credit card machine. When I got the call that I had actually got the job, I did a little whoop and decided to spend almost all of the rest of my birthday money. I bought three albums from Oxfam (Texas: White on Blonde, MJ Cole: Sincere, Lene Marlin: Playing my Game), then I went to Waterstones and finallly bought this book I've wanted for about two months now (Liam Hearn: Across The Nightingale Floor). I re did my library book (Sarah Waters: Tipping the Velvet-HIGHLY recommended.). I'm re-reading my favourite slash story (Underwater Light by Maya), I got my freebies from Xfm but I have to phone the post office first. I look alright, I'm doing loads more stuff with Childrens Express and I've made some friends there (James, Fikir and Samir). I'm working towards work experience in media and for the next five weeks till COLLEGE starts, I'll be busy everyday except Saturdays. Also, I've written about 15 decent (some more than decent) poems in the last two/three days. I am, truly, on a roll.

This is the best summer ever.

If only I could stop cutting.

If only I could stop being afraid.

If only, if only I could just let go and stop crying. And get rid of my Salesman (I did explain that, didn't I?)

I dunno, its just like two(?) days ago, I was OK. I didn't have a reason to cut, things were going my way for once and everything didn't just seem so hopeless and horrid. Yet that night I cut myself six times. And I managed to punch myself, slap myself, and cry my eyes out. My cutting has sunk to a whole new level (not low, its not really a bitch, really truly.) I remember it now in confusion: it was kinda like a drug and I didn't have to be all theatrical about it anymore, I could just do it to go in-between days. At first I did it because I didn't want to kill myself. Then I wanted to kill myself cutting and had a breakdown over that (cos of the irony?) and now I don't know what to do. It doesn't calm me (as much), it puts me in pain now cause I'm cutting shallower than usual, its nearing the bloody vein, and the amount of cuts are mounting ferociously.

And of course, since my life is always a little fucked somewhere, here's the proof: Ria and Nik, my best friends, the only people who are able to take away the scissors from my hands, are going away on holiday. Nik's already gone and has pissed off for two weeks. Ria is leaving on Saturday, and on her arrival a week from then will be the endgame of lying to Dad (coming out-shudder). I'd tell her about my recent cutting, but I don't want to worry her, and have her worrying about me the whole of her holiday. Its just not fair on her.

And now my eyes are hurting and I have another busy day ahead of me. You know the feeling ypu have when you keep staring at someone and your eyes start to ache and water? Well, I'm having that feeling and I'm blinking....not good.

Also 24 ended...nonononononononnononononononono! Jack is going to the dark side I can see it...everyone is leaving...the President is gone, Sherry is 'dead' (I refuse to believe that until the next series start, next fucking year)...its just not right...how the hell will the next series carry out? Its just blasphemy, y'know?
Ohh, sorry for cutting, for anyone who cares outthere. I can't help being pathetically illogical... x