Important Info

Its about salesmen. What they do. This isn't what counsellors ask, because I don't think they can understand how someone so 'pretty' and not disfigured is soo unfine.

I have weird habits which I'm pretty sure are out of my control. Its a measure of how fucked up I am, and how my salesmen work.

(cold mist rising, an unearthly cackle...) I see dead people.

In daydreams, waking nightmares, drifting soap operas. They don't stop. Everybody I care about dies. They are killed, before their time, before I could really appreciate them. They die either by car crash, or some stranger shoots them or they're stabbed or drown. Unusual deaths. And I'm the one who has to organize their funeral. And despite me knowing what happens, I'm constantly mourning, and of course I can't mention this because whenever people talk about dreams they're fun kooky mad things, whereas mine are about losing everyone I love, becoming truly alone. So of course this builds up. I have to cut, I have to cope. This is how I'm still cheery and confident, the scars keep me on the straight and narrow. If I'm forced somehow not to cut, I'll find some other to hurt myself. Or 'crazy shit' will happen. So don't expect to go cold turkey. It isn't a drug, its almost like a religion a way of life I'm fanatical about.

*****

I've been thinking about things that make me mad. I can't stand people who are insecure about their knowledge. Like in the presentations we do, they say things like: "Well, Thetis is Achilleus' mother, right?" or "I think this line is really expressive...yeah?" as if their emotions have to correlate with a sheet of answers on the back.

You can be arrogant.

You can be rude.

You could do things out of spite because you think it teaches people a lesson.

You could patronize people and believe its helping somebody.

But don't you DARE, ever, EVER, burn books.

Its education! Its truth in several forms! Its paranoia, and all the other annoying things above mixed together in a danger pastime! Its barbaric! I'd never burn Mein Kampf, because we have to remember some people believe that Jews are destroying the world and we should just kill them all, so why would you burn Harry Potter? Why can't people leave Philip Pullman alone? They're only the victims of great writing and unsecret thoughts and ideas. It's just wrong, people. Hehe.

I just wanted to end this double post on some level near to normal...