Phone Call

I've just had a very strange phone call.

I was watching BBC2 and this show called the Apprentice which was making me laugh-its great entertainment. I had lost weight-I had had loads of chocolate, I got appreciated for my poetry and I'm going to The House of Commons tomorrow (UK version of the White House, just in case-I'm not being patronising) . To top it off I watching rain on the bus-there is nothing more beautiful about travel than rain-it makes the greatest sound, it reminds you're going somewhere. The double rainbow was giving me focus-you could see the whole semi-circle which you never do... Life was being cool.

Then I got the phone call.

It was from a doctor, who used to treat my Granddad who has really bad arthritis (he can't walk anymore because of it) and it turns out he also got the message that I was 'feeling down'. He was just talking about his whole process-about some letter he recieved from I don't know where, and that he probably knows about the overdose which I've gotten over on-it happened, it was shit, its over. Anyways, I have an appointment with him on Friday at 6. I'm seeing my counsellor on Thursday, as well as the nurse so she can check on my scars and I'm going to show her my feet (more later).

I'm getting over subscribed here-its scary. He was saying he can fix it scientifically-with tablets!-and thats he's not going to tell my family, and I'm on the other line almost shaking, I'm horrified here. Everyone is helping me. Depression is my way of life, and everyone is trying to cheer me up. Its twisted, but you have to understand this has been an extending, more extreme addition of my life for four years now. I'm bloody terrified. If I end up telling my parents and going onto pills, you may shoot me-I'll give the assigned address and everything...

Oh yes, my feet. See, its been my method of not cutting without really hurting myself. I'd start scratching them. It was first athlete's foot. Then it became a nervous habit. Now its an obsession. I keep scratching my (left) foot till it bleeds, it looks like it been diseased or something. I have single handedly fucked up my foot, but I would like to find a way to fix it, and so I'm taking it up with the nurse.

So, the best thing for me is to take it all in my stride, because this is how I do things. I'm a spontaneous super power. My best pieces of work, poetry, things I've bought have been a result of reworded phrases of 'What the hell?'. So I'm reading slash, thinking about homework, and saving up cash.