Hey, the song is inspiring..cannae spell.
I feel like flying, the way I do in my dreams so rarely. Just jump out the window and float, like an autumn leaf. Its my favourite season when its warmer. All the wind swirling around the leaves tickling me. Kicking them around, comparing conkers at class, arguing you can eat the nuts inside, wearing gorgeous reds and purples and browns. Looking good and no one is wearing short sleeves. (we're at the burning crosses bit, now...) I'm writing slowly, because I feel like being leisurely. Feeling lonley and knowing I have to work, resting up for the week ahead, seeing my friends, and hopefully Ria after nearly a month. You have no idea how much I miss her, she's like my little sister, my true confidante, and I bet she looks gorgeous...songs ended.
New Song! (American Pie, Madonna)
...And maybe they'd be happy, for a while...
Dream on, Betty.
In the last year or so, I've been stripped of all my beliefs that I had as a child. So I'm figuring here, I'm properly growing up, aren't I? Late nights out and seeing live bands (which I've been wanting to do for years now, but too nervous to) beckons? Who knows? But I do know I'm getting out more, dreaming less, doing more. Definitely. But its not as if I'm getting better, and so instead of wondering how close to the edge I am, how much I hate my doctor, how crap at work I am, and how many miles of scars will I have to travel till I feel at home, feel happy. I'm going to forget about that, and start working.
Song ends...
New Song!
Die another Day (Madonna, yep, its a theme, sorta)
...I'm going to close my body now....
Reminds of old times. This is how I coped. I completely shut down-I ripped out my soul, and made plans to be great. finding ways to avoid death, cos Lioness is right, people under 20 really shouldn't kill themselves, yes? My life is all about finding your way out, though it isn't a matter of life and death, its certainly a fear of that situation.
That song has finished too. The lyrics:
I'm gonna wake up, yes and no
I'm gonna kiss some part of
I'm gonna keep this secret
I'm gonna close my body now
I guess, I'll die another day x5
[Another day]
I guess I'll die another day
[Another day]
I guess I'll die another day
[Another day]
I guess I'll die another day
(Spoken:)Sigmund Freud
Analyze this
Analyze this
Analyze this
I'm gonna break the cycle
I'm gonna shake up the system
I'm gonna destroy my ego
I'm gonna close my body now
Uh, uh
I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go
For every sin, I'll have to pay
I've come to work, I've come to play
I think I'll find another way
It's not my time to go
I'm gonna avoid the cliché
I'm gonna suspend my senses
I'm gonna delay my pleasure
I'm gonna close my body now
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I remember kept me so strong, reminded me of my inner, invincible strength(don't laugh, its true!) and so I used to be able to stray from the scissors. It used to be so easy to do that. Now it just doesn't work anymore, and if I can't rely on myself to be strong, how can you expect me to harbour hope that I'm going to get out this intact, alive in any/every sense of the word? How could I place that on myself when I don't know if I can do anything remarkable? Life saving?
I feel like flying, the way I do in my dreams so rarely. Just jump out the window and float, like an autumn leaf. Its my favourite season when its warmer. All the wind swirling around the leaves tickling me. Kicking them around, comparing conkers at class, arguing you can eat the nuts inside, wearing gorgeous reds and purples and browns. Looking good and no one is wearing short sleeves. (we're at the burning crosses bit, now...) I'm writing slowly, because I feel like being leisurely. Feeling lonley and knowing I have to work, resting up for the week ahead, seeing my friends, and hopefully Ria after nearly a month. You have no idea how much I miss her, she's like my little sister, my true confidante, and I bet she looks gorgeous...songs ended.
New Song! (American Pie, Madonna)
...And maybe they'd be happy, for a while...
Dream on, Betty.
In the last year or so, I've been stripped of all my beliefs that I had as a child. So I'm figuring here, I'm properly growing up, aren't I? Late nights out and seeing live bands (which I've been wanting to do for years now, but too nervous to) beckons? Who knows? But I do know I'm getting out more, dreaming less, doing more. Definitely. But its not as if I'm getting better, and so instead of wondering how close to the edge I am, how much I hate my doctor, how crap at work I am, and how many miles of scars will I have to travel till I feel at home, feel happy. I'm going to forget about that, and start working.
Song ends...
New Song!
Die another Day (Madonna, yep, its a theme, sorta)
...I'm going to close my body now....
Reminds of old times. This is how I coped. I completely shut down-I ripped out my soul, and made plans to be great. finding ways to avoid death, cos Lioness is right, people under 20 really shouldn't kill themselves, yes? My life is all about finding your way out, though it isn't a matter of life and death, its certainly a fear of that situation.
That song has finished too. The lyrics:
I'm gonna wake up, yes and no
I'm gonna kiss some part of
I'm gonna keep this secret
I'm gonna close my body now
I guess, I'll die another day x5
[Another day]
I guess I'll die another day
[Another day]
I guess I'll die another day
[Another day]
I guess I'll die another day
(Spoken:)Sigmund Freud
Analyze this
Analyze this
Analyze this
I'm gonna break the cycle
I'm gonna shake up the system
I'm gonna destroy my ego
I'm gonna close my body now
Uh, uh
I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go
For every sin, I'll have to pay
I've come to work, I've come to play
I think I'll find another way
It's not my time to go
I'm gonna avoid the cliché
I'm gonna suspend my senses
I'm gonna delay my pleasure
I'm gonna close my body now
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I remember kept me so strong, reminded me of my inner, invincible strength(don't laugh, its true!) and so I used to be able to stray from the scissors. It used to be so easy to do that. Now it just doesn't work anymore, and if I can't rely on myself to be strong, how can you expect me to harbour hope that I'm going to get out this intact, alive in any/every sense of the word? How could I place that on myself when I don't know if I can do anything remarkable? Life saving?
2 comments:
Ah, this is the kind of thing crazy people do. I think I've been wayy too indulgent the past few days..
Enter the Anthropologist: that might be just the hardest part abt growing up, having to relinquish magical beliefs. It slowly dawns upon us that we are our own salvation.
It might help to know that life is cyclical, in a sort of spirally way. And even though bad places may be revisited more often than we'd like to, it doesn't mean we have to inhabit them and hang up curtains. Because once we've left them behind that first time, we can always do it again. And even though we might not be able to stop the visiting as fast as we'd like to, or at all, we eventually become able to choose the tour group we want to join for the event.
You already are remarkable. You may not see it but I do - and I'm older than you, which also makes me wiser, plus I really am an Anthropologist, so believe me. You are. What you lack are the tools to really use it yet, aand you lack them because you are growing and we've established how fucked up a process that is, but those are in the making. You don't have to decide the rest of your life today. You don't need to take on that resposibility just yet. Deciding what type of life you do NOT want, OTOH, is already within your power, even if you only take it one small "no" at a time.
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