Yes, that is my feeling. I have a recurring headache on the left side of my skull that brings water to my eyes, an abscess on my right thigh, the heating refuses to work so I had two shots of whisky instead. So before I hibernate I'll tell you about the last couple of days.
On Thursday I was so unbelievably tired. You know when you finally go to sleep and it feels as if you were asleep for a second and you feel, frankly, cheated. Once again I had no timefor breakfast as I've had for the last two weeks and I yawned my way 20 minutes late into my 9am classics class. I recieved the class with eyes like dinner plates, and slumping over Sophocles. By the end of the first period I was dead on my feet, and felt compelled to go for desperate measures. Coffee.
I, Betty Browne, had never had coffee before. Seriously. Never. I sipped it one time and spat it out immediately. How do people fall in love with the stuff, its like drinking steaming monkey piss. So when you see how desperate, how weak, how yawnified, how tired I was coffee was the only answer, made palatable with a Mars bar - ah the gorgeousness of chocolate - it fixes everything. But not tiredness. I could, like, speak by now and I could do the work but the body really wasn't willing, but I plodded on, as you do.
In the end I just filled my stomach with chips and that seemed to do the trick. I had to travel for nearly three hours up to Harrow to see my bestest friend Ria who is poorly with abscess attack. But they've been taken out (in surgery!). It was strange going into the hospital as I've been dodging them for over 18 months. Also I was born in the same hospital but it appeared the outside was sensationalized by my birth they've forgotten to clean the outside since then - it was black upon black with dirt, and the windows were covered in green stuff. At least Ria had the view of the top of a tree. She's ok - she just listens to the radio, or using the TV with more channels at the hospital than at home. I would love to have a few days of purposeful rest, as long as I can wear long sleeved scrubs, of course. Actually I haven't cut for about two weeks. Its not I'm feeling satisfied, I just don't feel it.
Anyway, I left the hospital and ran for the bus, did a knee slide on dirty linoleum to catch a bus on which there was a massive fight. I'm not having too much success with buses lately. They're never on time, and its full of arseholes and nutters. Take today, this guy smoking a spliff on the bus asks for it to stop just ahead of the stop. The driver, an African man, ignores him. The man with a fat spliff (I was getting high just sitting there!) starts shouting and everyone gets tense.
Then this lady, she must have been over 80 years old and shouted something incoherent. The man who is making me high leans down and looks at her kindly: "What is it, darlin'?"
She gives him an evil look. I begin to laugh. "I said SHUT IT! You are a RUDE young man." Ah, that was jokes. A gangja tiff. The guy followed me to the next busstop afterwards, trying to justify being racist ("Come on, man you're a fucking African, you get me?") as he had had "five" Jamaican "birds" and the man was being a dick. He couldn't understand why the bus driver told him, to "fuck off". I told that "Maybe," because you were smoking a fat spliff on a bus. He says but "Yeah, don't all of you smoke?" And I said yeah, twice, when I was 15, but it fucks up my throat and its way overrated. But Jesus, is that what they'd expect? Black people can be just as anal retentive as the next Daily Mail reader - I've met a few. Makes me think about race relations and race paranoia - reasons, affects and aftershocks. But my lightbulb has just cut out and I don't know where the bulbs are. Not that I could actually the damned thing - I'm just too damned short. So, fuck it, I'm hibernating!