It All Falls Down...Glass (part 2)

Thats part one. And since that episode was after midnight this all counts as ne horrifying day.
But it does get better.
Woke up. Very unstable. I wanted to kick out at the walls. I didn't care whether I broke my toe or not. Resisting the urge I understood but can't control, I got ready for school. (I have to say first-I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to kill myself. And its not one of those things that if you believe it enough its true. Vraiment.)
First thing I fucked up: getting myself late for school. When I came in I only had 45 minutes to prepare myself for English lit exam. Clever(!)
Second thing I fucked up. This is big. I forgot my mice of men book. This is the equivalent of forgetting your calculator at a maths calculator exam...you had no idea how on the brink I was. I felt like everyting was just clamping down on me and I was dissolving into liquid...no wonder I was crying so much....I went to the teacher and she told me off about how stupid I was so I just went downstairs, found a private toilet before I collapsed with tiredness and just sobbed, sad songs pumping through me (Goo Goo Dolls? Name?(that was the name of the song)
Oh, and my best friend Ria wasn't even there! (she thought it was a pm exam...)

But it does get better. There is a phrase I've thought of: When everything starts to go wrong, something is bound to go right soon!
As I found:-
Teacher eventually gave me the book I needed.
I passed the exam(I think!)
Maria managed to to do her exam (yay!)
I got to chat to my best guy mate (Ash), and Maria's perfect boyfriend(Patrick) for hours...I feel like I've rekindled my friendship, and made new ones.

What a day. I'm too tired to analyse..however I will say this. I am ADDICTED TO HARRY POTTER SLASH. Especially gay Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy hybrids. The good ones are brilliant. The best ones are truly something to remember. Here's a link. Its called irresistible poison-you'll love it!http://www.schnoogle.com/authorLinks/Rhysenn/Irresistible_Poison/more2.html
Aurevoir Friends!!!
Night everybody. I'll try to stay a little hopeful. Maybe, not even cut myself. Whatever. Bye...

Breakout - What goes down....part 1

Today I had the closest scrape than to what you could possibly get to a public nervous breakdown. I had a terrible night last night. It was so hard to not cut myself last night. I have the idea that when I'm fine for a while, and the precise moment I think of cutting, or the fact that I'm doing so well, I end up cutting on the same night. Or the night after(tonight).
So I, was in my battle with the scissor god(my nail scissors-weapon of choice), and I began to touch it again-v. dangerous. Then, I began to run the point along the veins of my left arm-easel of choice. And then, that thought, the horrible thought crossed my mind. I could feel the tension inside me building, all that anger and pain. The feeling of dark, sorrowful explosion which I feel moments before cutting. But, still, I carried on poking my veins, and the thought crossed my mind that maybe, just maybe, I should dig here, let the blood run out and maybe at last I'll fine what you're looking for...
The moment it crossed my mind I was terrified and threw it across the room. Like a silly little girl I cowered on the other side of the bed, and tried to cry myself to sleep.
It's all falling down.

The Itch

Please, I beg you, get me away from my brother...its study leave and hes finished uni so we're in each others more than usual and more than we'd like. Specially more than I'd like..
He's rude, annoying, intrusive and incredibly frustrating just how all big brothers should be. Everytime I make a distinctive sound(I'm v. quiet at home) I'm asked what happened-exactly. Every statement i made is challenged. Sure, I like(understatement) to argue but I can't stand the fact that every little thought I have may be analysed and criticised him, because if course theres always something wrong with it. So over the past 16 years I've developed a pretty good technique of masking anything I think and just becoming like every typical non-commital, bimbo little sister. This has made me seem like a cold heartless bitch who doesn't think for herself. Heartbreaking, but at least my brother leaves me alone. By the way-his names Elliott.
I dunno, he just has to know everything about me, even though you lot know way more about me than what he may ever know. He must have some logbook, "The Every Move of Betty B". Today it would have been "Betty comes home from exam, ignoring my hellos as usual. Its the only conversation we have for the next two hours as she goes to her room with some junk no doubt and listen to the crazy racket she claims is 'music'. At 5:35pm she re-emerges, a miserable and bitter cow." End.
Is this just me, or do siblings instill a great ability for making you feel horribly guilty for your existence everytime you walk into a room? This will probably be something I look back on after my nervous breakdown...
Little did he know I was reading my new fave mag Diva...I knew about this about two months ago, but theres this Big Gay Out at Finsbury park-the nu Mardi Gras-£25! I swear you're supposed to pay for anything, I thought gayness was going back to basics, Ay-yay-nay...
Had my Marks Gospel exam-after botching up an 8mark q I entertained myself by writng various hard-to-spell names on paper like maccaroni or equilibrium and millennium...they're cool words to spell, a great boredom buster. I wonder, if you could be a dear and send some hard-to-spell words please? I've got a two hour maths exam coming and I need something to for about the hour and a half of it.

Why am I me?

I won't be saying too much about myself today, I'm far more an observer. You see, I have a self-harm problem. I've been cutting myself for the last three years, four years in September now and I can't see a way out. But I do see a route. And if you find the route, couldn't just turn around and follow the route back out into happiness? Because before all of this shit, I was very happy. Estatically so, but I guess I really should know my luck. I cut because...I can create a hole, where all my bad thoughts can go in a mind ditch and fuck itself. It made sense last night. I was so angry and I had no idea why. You know the feeling you get when you've been caught in some sex ritual with someone by the police and your lover/your most embarrassing moment? The way you just want to be something else, or just disappear, die, or just be able to run and run and they would all forget about it, anything that will make them forget it ever happened...
Well, I find I'm feeling like this on a regualr basis. Its part of the reason why I cut. Is that so fucked up? I don't know, aargh I just wanna figure myself out before I burn out. i can so see it happening. I've never imagained myself at 40.

The Scent of a Woman

Hmm, well my favourite things about a woman is her lips. They can show you the womans personality...you kiss and you talk about your fears and your life with your lips. I'm a very talkative person, so although the eyes are the windows to the soul, the lips present a two-way thing. They show so many moods and emotions and truths they may try to hide using their lips-it shows insecurity...
I know when I fancy someone when all I could think about are their lips..
Also, a woman's sides...they lead to the hips and they beg to be touched...what do you think is so sexy about a woman? Straight guy, bisexual or gay woman? Speak your mind! ~I don't get scared easily... ;)

Overcast inspiration

Today? Well, my first exam (Marks Gospel-Re), is two days away, so I'm trying to revise. Which, in teenage speak means I'm doing everything possible to make sure I don't do just that..and I'm damn good at it. Then again, I don't really need to revise. I just don't-I'm clever and all, and believe me I'm modest about it...
Anyway, I've got a blinding headache at the back of my head, where the neck and skull joins up-bit strange for an ache, don't you think? Even so, I guess its because I've been up till 2am writing a new story. It's about teenagers who love to kill, but are truly wannabes. It's not such a far out story. Annoyingly, every good story I think of gets taken by some other author who can actually write novels and they make loads of money. So, my ultimate idea, the idea I've been developing in my mind on a soft pressure cooker for three years, will remain quiet, alone till I actually write it.
I did the IQ test, and I've gone down by 5! points-to 113. No good to me! lol, because I'm on my way to 8 A-A*s, and I've been considered a potential genius...but potential is shite...good motto.
Tomorrow? I'd say more of my life story, if you don't mind
Laters,

Beginning

To tell you the truth, i didn't think I needed a blog thing. I've already got a diary and all. But then today changed my mind. I will never, ever forget this week: I've graduated from High school and I've had my High School Prom-yet I'm from London-how american is that? Aaah, its been strange.
The people from high school are nice, but I barely know them...all I have are photos and a little excericise book full of good lucks and "I don't know you so well"'s...so apart from some tears, I don't miss High school at all!
The only reason I cried was because of this person I'm in love with...her name is Maria...she's fine with it, being that we're practically sisters, but I'm just missing her, and the fact I'm leaving HER to go to college. I don't think you understand how much I love her...you see.
Firstly she's the most beautiful girl in the world. She has longish blonde hair which is so soft and a firm stomach...when I get close enough to hug her I want to kiss her instead. It's shit being in love with your straight best friend, the person who you would die for, the woman who saved you, the person you love more than anyone else in this world.
You may think I'm nuts and I don't blame you! I'm 15, I have parents who love me, lots of friends, why would I declare such a thing? Well, because my Dad's loving but cold, and my Mum doesn't know me. Barely. Is it too late to bond when you're 15? I don't know...good start to the rest of my life though. Lol.