Today I had the closest scrape than to what you could possibly get to a public nervous breakdown. I had a terrible night last night. It was so hard to not cut myself last night. I have the idea that when I'm fine for a while, and the precise moment I think of cutting, or the fact that I'm doing so well, I end up cutting on the same night. Or the night after(tonight).
So I, was in my battle with the scissor god(my nail scissors-weapon of choice), and I began to touch it again-v. dangerous. Then, I began to run the point along the veins of my left arm-easel of choice. And then, that thought, the horrible thought crossed my mind. I could feel the tension inside me building, all that anger and pain. The feeling of dark, sorrowful explosion which I feel moments before cutting. But, still, I carried on poking my veins, and the thought crossed my mind that maybe, just maybe, I should dig here, let the blood run out and maybe at last I'll fine what you're looking for...
The moment it crossed my mind I was terrified and threw it across the room. Like a silly little girl I cowered on the other side of the bed, and tried to cry myself to sleep.
It's all falling down.
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