Why am I me?

I won't be saying too much about myself today, I'm far more an observer. You see, I have a self-harm problem. I've been cutting myself for the last three years, four years in September now and I can't see a way out. But I do see a route. And if you find the route, couldn't just turn around and follow the route back out into happiness? Because before all of this shit, I was very happy. Estatically so, but I guess I really should know my luck. I cut because...I can create a hole, where all my bad thoughts can go in a mind ditch and fuck itself. It made sense last night. I was so angry and I had no idea why. You know the feeling you get when you've been caught in some sex ritual with someone by the police and your lover/your most embarrassing moment? The way you just want to be something else, or just disappear, die, or just be able to run and run and they would all forget about it, anything that will make them forget it ever happened...
Well, I find I'm feeling like this on a regualr basis. Its part of the reason why I cut. Is that so fucked up? I don't know, aargh I just wanna figure myself out before I burn out. i can so see it happening. I've never imagained myself at 40.