All Alone

No one is replying to my emails. The phone is off the hook. My girlfriend has broken up with me, and its all my fault. All of it. She told me that she couldn't understand that I could love her, but hate myself so much. And in turn she became very depressed. I never thought depression could be so infectious. I read the news (dumped via email) at noon. I started drinking whatever alcohol I could find. It worked nicely. I still cried, but I didn't cut and I gave my other browbone a big fat bruise.

Now, that I have eaten and I have stopped crying for a bit, I wonder if I shouldn't have reacted in the way that I did. I just...she still said I was beautiful and that the friends of hers that I've met think I'm beautiful, but I feel uglier than ever. How can she find me "attractive" when I hate myself so much? Also, to find my first love only to be told she doesn't love me back? I have to be her friend, too. But I just want to shove everyone out, bring back up my defences and live in safe, simple solitary solidarity. Everyone I love screws me over...it took *counts on fingers* six knockbacks like these to finally understand I am simply not meant to be loved, or indefinitely loved back. Turns, out that is eveyone I've ever truly loved anyway.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return." (Moulin Rouge)

It's got a point. Humans are too fucking dumb to realise that dream, for that dream isn't real. It can't possibly be real.

So yes, here's my resignation. I will never ever fall in love again. I will hate everyone, if need be. You have been warned.