Book mishaps, trains and a broken heart

Broken hearted (sounds like an occupation. Feels like mine in the last month. Screwed twice in a month! How dumb must I be?)

I don't seem to be feeling much. Maybe its because the MASK is back, and I've slipped back in my hotel (quiet, pleasant depression. Not MOTEL - dark horrid depression. You see, I have waay too many analogies.). I also signed a letter, promising never to love again, apart from the people I love. It's been signed and everything. I listed all the people I've loved and have screwed me other: Mum, Dad, Bro, Ria, Al, and Ash. I don't trust/love a lot of people. It's not my way and its not my style, which why I'm wondering if I really loved Alice, or if it was just the feeling that someone actually found me attractive, because if I loved her, wouldn't I go to her, when she needs me? A couple of days ago I was just too hurt, but now, there's nothing. Could this sixth heartbreak taken my heart away, clean from my iron chest? I don't know. I'm just theorizing.

Had creative writing today and we had to script for radio. Mine was - surprise, surprise - depressing. About a Coming out gone horribly wrong, and the mother finding out about her self-harm (or self mutilation, as Debs said it was). She started telling me off for making it a stage script and saying I must put more confidence and trust in writing dialogue only. It's much harder than you think. All your emotion, and description and character has be trusted in perfect pauses, delicious dialogue and surreptious sound effects. It's all dialogue. Then again I've never listened to a play on Radio 4 so i don't know if they use sound effects, but I doubt it. I felt really scared, and threatened. My dialogue is crap and I find it terrifying to write anyway. I'm as sensitive to it than people telling me how lovely I am (ha! No wonder I got dumped) so it was disconcerting to have Debs, my creative writing teech telling me to leave out the stage directions and to bloody well get on with it. I think she sees potential. Or the fear in my eyes. Argh. I only want to write fanfiction. And I will, before Harry Potter finishes because HP is soo dead. It's the only way it works. And if you look around on fansites, there's loads of complicated theories that look into the palindrome in chapter 6 in the Prisoner of Azkaban. I'm right.

Anyways, I have to go. Article to discover. Essay to write.