Friday, January 07, 2005

Drawn out, thrown out, flung shut



Can't speak. I can't wait for the day when Ria comes down to my house with the men in white coats, and I follow her, dumbly, with lidded mad eyes, to the madhouse for the rest of my days. Cos then, me, as I am would have disappeared and I would be absolutely truly worthless.

These moods sneak in and out. I've been heavily crazily depressed. Madly busy, eating more than I should cos I'm not feeling good about myself. I don't feel like Betty Browne. I feel like someone different entirely. Well, considering I didn't really know who I was then, its not the greatest loss, but I wouldn't mind understanding what I'm leaving behind. I want to know what I'm getting into.

I'm getting all crazy into fanfiction. I've had a girlfriend for nearly six weeks and it feels like she's never there cos she can't be and long-distance relationships are so damn hard. I'm on RYL so much its so so strange. I keep punching, bruising myself, but the swelling has gone down and no one has noticed. I am no longer an outsider. Instead, I am exclusively involved in several universes, and each of these have not much of a clue of my other worlds.

And last year? Well, my horoscope said that someone was going to treat me like shit and I was/should ditch them, and I was going to find my knight in shining armour who would walk over broken glass to make me happy; it talked about important people listening to me; talked about my Big Break. Its all true. But I don't know has destroyed me, who I've chucked when I should have clung on, who I've stuck to when they would only lead me self-murder. And who loves me, did I realise that someone loves me, because I don't think I ever have. Because I've being attacked and praised, by myself and others, many of them who I cannot remember. I've made new friends and amends to change a life that was already changing. Will my universes collide in the year 2005? I'm not sure. I have to stop procrasinating first.


CarpeDM said...


Feel better. Please. I feel completely useless here, not being able to do anything for you.

I hope things get better for you soon.


Serialangel said...

Oh, you're not useless. Its just that life is wierd, like twilight weird. I was going to edit my post but I'l mention it here...

1) In 2004, almost all of the people I love and trust have screwed me over in some way or other. I have not been treated the way I treat others.

2) My bitter enemy is turning bitterly sweet cos we're getting on and he doesn't know anything about me (my Bro)

3) There is an entirely new person in my life and she doesn't belong anywhere yet I love too much her to understand or to be able to compare with anything else.

4) In 2004, by the end of January I had started cutting. Nicely fucked. And now, I'm cutting less and punching and insulting even more. I'm not sure which is worse...

5) When asked about these, or when I want to talk about these, amnesia brings havoc and I'm useless. For the first time since I was a baby/toddler, I am useless and its just wrong...I don't know what to say anymore except that I hope to fix things, and for the love of sanity, soon.