Why I Punish Thyself: The 93rd Post

People just tend to wander, and ask, and I could never answer. So here is the best you're gonna get:

1. And foremost: I haven't a clue. I just do...it's what I know. It's how I cope with my feelings, its how I hope for the future, its how I make sense of things in my helplessness as a Westernised teenager.

2. Water is wet, cola is caffenated and I hate myself. I could add all of my qualms about my looks and my rashness and my craziness, but thats all sewage in the sea - it's typical modernised fare

3. Depression. The counselling I'm having is supposed to try and quell this but I can't seem to shake. I've had counselling since ooh, April? Maybe a bit earlier than that. I also have to say I've been cutting a year now since Jan 31st. Self harming for four years. Damn. When did things get so desperate?

4. To make sense of things. I have to punish myself to understand other people's suffering, but I think thats the PC version!

5. To Feel Alive. My depression makes me feel so numb, null and void I have to punish myself to put myself at a certain pitch. However, I do find I become a SIP (Short, intelligent and 'perfect') = Completely bland. Funny, yet zombie. My counsellor can't get anything out of me and I'm rendering our sessions into uselessness.

6. To Be Perfect. I know this is ridiculous...but I feel I have to be perfect. I put ridiculous pressure on myself, and as long as I don't have a public breakdown I can't bring myself into change, I just won't do it.

7. To know I can feel pain. I'm pretty sure I deserve it too. I'm pretty sure something happened to me when I was younger. But, I can't do anything. I'm trying, but I can't do a damn thing. I'm only going to change when the decision is taken out of my hands. We're all in a rut, we're glad for it and we just don't wish to change that unless we realise its killing us at times. It hardly ever happens. And it certainly won't happen to me...


Ps: Someone sent me an email saying Jehovah Witnesses don't require the whole family to be Witnesses. It's wrong. I'm sorry if you're right, but it's wrong. It may have changed since 1988, when my Dad found out my mother was secretly a Witness, when he tried and failed to abide by their totalitarian religion whilst my mother dreamt of God and knocked round houses. It certainly wasn't true when my mother decided her religion was more important than her family, and left, and stayed as a strange distant mother ever since. It's wrong. The Jehovah Witness community in Britain is full of single people who left their families, or entire families who got suckered into it. I'm sorry if you may be right, but it's wrong.