Falling Apart, Slightly.

I didn't sleep in the end, and I cruised round RYL checking out topics, chatting. It's a strange social place. In one place, people are talking and lol-ing like any other forum, and in another thread someone has a noose round their neck, or someone's friends is fretting over them as they had a heart attack because they're so thin. Strange place.

In the end, I got drunk. Not really really drunk - a couple of glasses of Archers - but enough to make me calm and lightheaded and an easier actress when Dad came home. Turns out, I need it from time to time, and I'm ashamed of that. I just couldn't deal with my scratching, and the rising bubbles of anger. 60% of the time I'm at home I want to sleep, and the rest of the time I want to smash things up. Smash glass, the goldfish bowl holding Mr Bob, the display cabinet, plates. Use the debris to cut myself rotten. At least I'm out of the house now, I just eat and sleep and blog here mostly. Homework a static plain thing. But I've gotten so stressed and jumpy I've poisoned myself with apathy. It's come at a crap time: I have my politics MOCK and if I fail I'm kicked off the course, and its my second favourite course. I need to start off my classics courseworks from Mum's pointers, stop listening to Coldplay's Amsterdam. I'm so glad I cut this morning. I'm just paranoid over everything. Typing so fast I have to spell correct every three words. Then stopping still every sentence and a half to whip my round to face the sunset over bamboo and fences and expecting Amargeddon. I'm paranoid. I'm scared of everything. Something is about to get me. I'm a damsel in distress. I'm in so much fuck-upity-ness. I feel as if I've downed

Dust. Remember dust? Here's a link: http://alternate-reality.blogspot.com/2004/06/sky-is-full-of-dust.html#comments. I forget sometimes, that its there, and simple and beautiful. But I'm still scared of everything, including myself, so I can't run away, no matter how much I want to. I don't want to go to college. I want to go to a square 2 x 2 metres, pure white. A comfy bed. Padded walls. I can scream and punch all I want...Spiders are out to take me away.. That's how scared I am. Thats how crazy I feel. Thats why no one can understand. Here's goes publish...