Friday, March 18, 2005

I Get This Ache...and I Tear Everything into Fucking Croquet

This day has been very boring. Full of metaphors. For example, I actually wore a skirt today, in hope of being all studenty-cute girly, but I ended looking like a tired 50's relic. Everyone kept looking at me on the train on the way down, but I didn't really notice it. The sky was so beautiful - so blue and dreamy it hurt my eyes to look at it, clouds dotted across the sky like tangled bedsheets.
The day, all in all, was incredibly boring. Finally tired of trying to impress people and suddenly everyone wants to give all of their attention. It was annoying. I was looking out for Janet who's one of five gay friends I have and I wanted to see her over the easter holidays, but I missed her, and I miss her. On the way home, I'm preparing for the move already by taking photos using this freebie disposable camera. I've got pictures of my house, the garden, the snow and the sun in the same blooming month, and my masterclass will be this church in between Kew Bridge and Gunnersbry where there's this Orthodox church with a gold cross and a massive blue and gold spotted bulb on the top - I think of Dubai everytime I remember to see it. But I still haven't got the picture right, but I will...

Today I've been trying to work but it's hard when the sun is all gorgeous and you're mind is full of the staunton lick...

Then you wrench out of your daydream and everything is dull again. The real world simply isn't tying me down anymore, and I see no use for it. Reading over my blog, I'm proud of my writing, and I'm awed by Nik's and Lioness' comments. They make so much sense. Sense is dull, though. Don't worry, I'm not giving on life just yet. It's just that I'm continually on the edge of an eating disorder. I'm continually forcing myself to eat, shoving away the protestations (You'll get a heart attack! You'll throw it up anyway! You don't deserve to eat!) So, for a while I've been delving into my brain to meet these lies and negotiate on how to make them go away, and maybe thats why I've been drifting. I've found a perfect analogy, actually.

My music section on my conmputer wasn't really working for me and I thought it was bad karma, so I listened to new music wherever I got it (you see why I'm a technophobe?) It wasn't until I was faced with the possibility of losing Nelly Furtado forever that I started to look into it. My brother found that most of my music files are stuck in the old program/windows before it got wiped off and it still thinks its there, cos I made the folder and the files ages ago. I shouldn't even be able to see them. Alas, I see the files but I cannot access them cos they're visually invisible, tracked in an old programme. Geddit? I can't explain computers any easier, but it seemed to track down my life so effectively and it inspired me to write this blog post. I haven't felt inspired for weeks, and I've been weighed down by crippling writers' block for three months. It's choking me. I can't get rid of it. I've been reading poetry, getting some semblance of social life, writing crap or doing nothing at all. It doesn't seem to work, and thats what's really wrong because if I can't write, then I really am visually invisible: I'll smile at you, talk small talk, big talk, whatever you want cos thats my old programme, I cannot and will not communicate, and I might as well evapourate.

But I think the easter will change that. I feel my heart is lighter, and I'm certainly cleaner. Before last night, I couldn't remember my last shower.(*blushes* can't believe I just said that!) Cleaning relieved me...more than I thought it would. It unclogged my head, and let out all of the darts of stress jabbing at me to get back to work (most of them have "DAD" engraved on them.). Speaking of that, I gotta get back to work. My life is changing again. I'm forsaking charity work! Maybe thats else why I feel so empty. Everything and everyone is bored. Everyone is screaming out for change and excitement, its that March Melancholy Menacing Meandering Madness. We're waiting for April's Absolute Absolution. Should be ace.

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