Sunday, May 15, 2005

Longitude

At first, I couldn't get out of bed and Dad was actually nasty to me for the first time in well, ever. I don't know how to stop him hating me - after all, I've been pushing him and pushing him, and this is what I deserve to get, right? So, instead of trying to figure out my life before I start more of the biggest conversations of my life, I stewed my bras in boiling water and Persil - to clean them, don't worry - and I needed a meaningful distraction.

So, I decided to read Waiter Rant (addictive) - cos, well he's Mr Prozac and with his serious and funny posts I get a perspective on NY life which I won't know about until I save up money to visit there sometime. Anyways, I was delving into his archives and found a post called "Leftovers" which just got to me for some reason. Maybe because outside of the tight circle of self-hating bloggers and the communities on Livejournal, 'bulumia' and 'cutters' is a taboo word. From the depth of silence that comes down when I mention in passing it outside of the circle, it's as if it's everyone's dirty little secret.

So, I thought about telling you about myself. I didn't think it was important. After all, who am I in the first place, and what does anyone else care? I guess it has to do with all the well, fuck-upity-ness of myself: Black, gay, cutter, bulumic, short, fat, female, intelligent, atheist... I'm sure I could killed, bullied, maimed and hated in regions all over the world, but that doesn't really matter to me, because I have people who love me - for now - and thats the most important thing for me really. I also have the sublety of a brick through your window - I have been known for calling my friend 'bitches' as a term for endearment, and when I want to, I can say 'NO' very easily.

But I guess why I bother telling you about myself is that firstly, a black lesbian can gorge on the amount of positive discrimination policies out there, and she can make a life for herself as her own person - be it Betty Browne, the potential genius, or as the multi-billionaire of her own company, the successful journalist, or... What if I told you I was one of those sad girls, who cuts herself AND has an eating disorder?

I figure on here, that is what my life is about: trying to explain myself, trying to excuse myself, and trying to get better. Right now, I'm trying to excuse myself. Here's a bit from the comment I left on Leftovers:

"Its not just because I see pictures of beautiful, tall flat-stomach people and I want to cry, but pressure - from your Dad, your family, youth workers, psychiatrists, doctors. Seriously - you could come up to them covered in blood and vomit and the first thing they'll do is weigh you. Actually, I think I'll put that in my blog...The truth is, the media fucks up a lot of people, but I guess throughout the ages the projected image of perfection has been tormenting some group of people throughout time..."

Anyway, I have to be off. It's my aunty's birthday and I have to revise before depression takes full hold of me...

4 comments:

Unknown said...

Boy I can relate to some of what you have said. Now I am a man of age 42, but I have seem my share of arguements with parent , cohorts, friends and such.

I followed your link from the Waiterrant page just to see what people read the page. No I am not him I am another blogger. Just started to be exact. Hopefully I can get an understanding of who and what is blogging. GL to you

Serialangel said...

Well, as a blogger meeting her first blogoversary v. soon I wish you luck in the blog world. For any other new readers of my blog, please keep reading back - you might enjoy it, lol.
And sorry about the post - jesus, it sounded as self-pitying as a mini-goth! x

CarpeDM said...

I've heard about waiter rant and may have to check it out.

Don't apologize for your post, Betty, that's the whole point of it. This is who you are. You're being true to yourself by blogging and if people can't deal with it, well, then they can go elsewhere.

Anyway, hang in there. My curfew is approaching (roommates want access to the computer) so I'll be back later.

Serialangel said...

Oh, thank you CarpeDM, *hugs*. The problem of blogging is that sometimes it has same feeling as hanging up your dirty laundry in public...