Sunday, May 01, 2005

Think Tank

In my haze of uncaring-ness, I've decided to quit Oxfam Music. It's going to be my last week next Saturday, after 10 months of volunteering there. I've really enjoyed it. I've enjoyed the half-dreaming, half-efficiency atmosphere you have when you hear the trill of the till. I enjoyed handling all of that money, and watching it grow in the till, for it shows that some extra is going to people who really need it. Most of all I loved getting grips with new stock and procedures before anyone else (Case in point: Grabbing Razorlight's Up All Night for £2.99), the freedom of playing whatever you could find that people had donated. Yeah, I'm gonna miss it. But my life has changed. For one thing, its so much busier these days. With Children's Express my favourite member of staff has left, and is off to Cannes (random, radical and well cool - argh, so chav). ....Just went off a bit. Just spent twenty minutes searching for my blog. Short of actually typing out the URL for it, I couldn't find it. How annoying. Never mind. day of thinking, it's not going so well. I just don't care. There isn't the unmistakable pull of creativity or thought. Then again, it may have neutralized by my Dad's naggings: "It's 5:30 - what are you having for dinner?" He is my diet's diatribe and a good reason for why I got so out of control in my the first place, if I ever dared blame anyone for my depression and self harm and quasi-eating-disorder, which I don't. For a few weeks I was barely eating and enjoying it. Dad stopped all that and then some. Every thing I eat has to be analysed, calorie-counted and verified by the big man himself until I dare to eat it. God Forbid I try to skip dinner, or eat too much. I've been shimmied into this diet I've been hating. I eat dinner and I feel as if I've been betraying myself, see. If I keep eating I'm going to explode, I'm going to explode. In auto-pilot the rest of my brain plans the later night. You could see why I'm being hostile towards Dad, no matter how obviously unconscious it is. I think its because he keeps grabbing my arm and won't let go. That sounds sinister doesn't it? - but he wouldn't hurt me in a million years, cos he loves me. He's my Dad, for god's just doesn't make sense to me.

Sometimes I think about impending university and gap year and I worry for Dad cos I'll be leaving him and for the most part he'll be on his own cos he refuses to get married or committed. All I want is some stability. The animosity between my brother and my Dad is growing. All they do is argue, and my bro is convinced that doesn't love him enough etc etc. And all I do is fulfill the housewife duty - clean, sweep, cook, nag. I just want to sleep in. Unfortunately Plan B: Sleep till August was almost improbable, so I have to perfect my glazed interested look. Still not working...
Before the internet cuts, I'll tell you how I'm feeling, and why I always fail in the end...

Razorlight - Up All Night

I lost the sacred feeling but I
Made a couple of friends and now
Our things have never looked so good
Our things have never been so clear
And now I'm alone with you
I'm always up all night
And I get music running in my head
And I, I lose the strength to fight

Cause I, I've been up all night
She's been up all night
We're, we're just up all night

This town is for the counterfeit dreamers
And maybe I'm one too, well I
I keep my hand behind my back when I
I don't know what else to do
The streets that I grew up in, they might mean
Nothing to you, but I
I'll show you where I come from if you please
Just tell me what I'm supposed to do

Cause I, I've been up all night
She's been up all night
We're, we're just up all night

That sweet and sacred feeling you know
Will never last long
Every time you turn around you'll see
One more part of you, yes it's gone
I need your spirit darling
And lend me your helping hand, and I
I'll meet you in the morning
When I've broken up the band

Cause I've been up all night
She's been up all night
We're, we're just up all night
And I've been up all night
She's been up all night
We're, we're just up all night
I've been up all night...

All I need is a good sleep. I can't help but romanticize the belief that it's the only way things could sort itself out. But Plan B is outta whack...that sucks, that sucks.


CarpeDM said...

Okay, did you write that poem? Because that was beautiful.

I'm sorry I haven't been by in awhile. Hope everything is going well.

Serialangel said...

Actually, I didn't. I wish I had. It's a song by Razorlight which I forgot to say it was. Hopefully i won't get done for libel/slander/something lol.
It's good to see ya. :) If you have time read the rest of my stuff...