Thursday, June 03, 2004

I won't say much

Last night, I fell apart. Completely and utterly. I broke and everything became twisted. For some reason if I didn't talk to someone I trusted I would fly out of the door and never come back. I'd die, without some flashback and remember how stupid I'm being.

I called my two best friends, but of course they weren't there-sounding horribly calm(despite the fact I was curled up on my bed, crying my eyes out), I called a half-friend-an acquaintance. Charlotte.

The phone rang, and I was at the point of hysteria-I could barely see, I just felt as if everything was coming to crush at last and maybe I'd die this time. When charlotte came onto the phone, her usual chipper self, I thought for a nanosecond I was going to let everything fly and chat and laugh like I usually do. But I just couldn't. I told her I was falling apart and I just sobbed like lost, suicidal helpless little girl, ignoring her, as the pain and the sorrow and the worthlessness just ripped through me. I couldn't scream-I'm in a house, I'm in a city, I'm alive-so I just sobbed instead of breathed, and I let her listen. Even though it was only for a few seconds, I had never let myself lose control like that before in my entire life. It was breathtaking-literally.
I let her soothe me slightly, and I ended up telling her everything, no remorse no afterthought-I mighyt have even told my Dad-if he was listening on the other side. I don't trust him either-its so much easier to act near him, cos he makes me happy-even when I'm at the brink of tears.
I told her about the cutting and the suicidal feelings and the dark empty hopeless place I had checked into without meaning to. I just spilt my tears, my anger my fears and my hysterics down the phone, and she listened faithfull just as any person would. -any decent person I could grow to trust, I hope. I've just given her my soul for a couple of minutes.

I let her talk, because I just couldn't think of anything else to say. She said how everyone in school liked me and no one hated me(?!?!?!???!???!???!?!?!??!???!????) and that she had no idea (of ocurse, I know how to lie, I'm one of the best fucking actresses you never knew). She said people would be devasted if i left(this world) and that they would not simply get over me in a few months as I had so accurately suggested. They said they would blame themselves. I almost started sobbing again from the pain and the humuliation and the self hate of it.
And then, I felt OK again. Not so broken, but shattered. It was as if I was starting over.

I hung up with Charlotte and my first instinct was to snog the walls, which i did. My room is tiny and prone to fits of claustrophobia, so it felt nice to like my room again. I felt real. And now the fallout begins, and everything will fuck up again. And i can't handle it as I did before. For that I'm glad it means I'm never cutting again. I'm serious, I won't keep up these balancing scales of self-harm: making myself throw up and then cutting to balance it out...cutting myself then overeating to dull the pain, then cutting to cut out the shame and making myself throw up and I can't keep doing this to myself...how would I ever find love. Please comment.

Edit 18/06/04: (apart from the above) here is the story I read before I broke down: Afer you've finished crying, review her work and read the rest of her stuff. She rocks.

1 comment:

The Lioness said...

I'm out of my depth here. I suppose it doesn't take a genius to realise cutting and overeating are ways of having control and overcompensating. So maybe one day you'll feel secure enough to realise that control isn't all that's made out to be. Hell, some people may give you grief if you lose it but it will be mostly you, berating your self in your head over and over again. The world at large for the most part will not give you more than a fleeting glimpse. Besides, there's really only so much one can control. But I understand how it has worked for you as a strategy, how it's enabled you to go on - and if it hadn't, you would be dead or mad as a hatter or in some juvenile facility. So now, your life and body having changed enough and become more demanding, it seems to be a matter of adjusting to a different strategy. (Or not, of course. I believe people have a right to decide about their lives and deaths. But in your case it would seem like such a waste. And no one under 20 should be allowed to kill themselves. They should take up kickboxing and break all hell lose. You do seem to want to lead a happy life some day. I'll say it again, the word "happy" applied to a teenager seems a bit of a cruel joke but chin up, it will be over soon enough!) So you need a strategy that will allow others in so they can see the "you" you're convinced they'll hate/you can't let anyone see because look how well that worked in the past, and that will allow you to see that they will not run screaming. They, the ones that are meant to constitute your Inner Core, will probably be grateful to have you enter their lives. I've always been a misfit albeit a successful one (academically, socially it took a while - hell, place me in a room with strangers and I'm still all shy and trembling but now I hide it better and frankly I don't care abt what others think so much anymore which is good bcs most of the time, 99,9% of it, they're not even thinking abt me, they're also worrying abt some obscure aspect of their lives), so trust me. Birds of a feather etc.

So, a big painful part of growing up is friendship filtering. That means you will go through people at a frightnening rate, and you will lose touch with some, and you'll have others lose touch with you, and it may hurt and sting a bit at times, but really, with luck and faith you will form a group of friends that will be loyal and accepting of all your shit, even if they scream at you because of it at times but hey, you're allowed - supposed really - to scream back so all ends well.

But do you know hat is the SINGLE BEST THING I've learned in life? One that has over and over again been proved ABSOLUTELY RIGHT? Things are never as horrific as I thought they would be. NEVER EVER EVER! With me, that helps loads to reduce my anxieties.

I'm rooting for you, I really am. If you make it through this period you will not believe how much easier it gets.