Quickie again

I was supposed to spend an hour writing in my beloved blog, but I was reading Slash again. New link: This novel is called Underwater Light, and if you've all five Potter books, it can be a bit dizzying at times...but it's great.
Don't worry-you'll love it-just read it slowly. I didn't, and I ended up reading all 17 chapters only to find that Maya, the author hasn't written a damn thing since March, and now I have to forget the masterpiece and avoid hyperventilating. Or losing control. Which is getting so impossible these days.
I'm losing it. Because I'm not hurting myself, or hitting/cutting/whatever the fuck else I do to myself just isn't happening anymore, all the blackness in me is overcome in my eyes. I almost burst into tears three times today. Two times yesterday. I want to cry now... I'm so angry-this is exactly how I usually feel just before I cut myself, as if I'm psyching myself up..I'm a sick bitch. A sick, fat, stupid, hated bitch. Except I've been predicted eight A/A*s, I'm 'portly', I'm perfectly healthy and apparently 'everybody loves me'. I just want to let it out, and scream, and scream, and cut. I haven't gone this long without hurting myself in some way since I was 13 and I had these brilliant few weeks when I was so normal I just let it be-I realised I was bisexual(at the time). And because of my life, it didn't seem so big.

After all, I'm not exaggerating-it has been a shit day (Portugal scored!!!!!!!!!!!!I'm such a cow-I'm British for God's sakes! Go on, Porto!)...
I digress...what was I saying? Oh yes, today, it was my last exam, great because it was the last, that was it, no more uniforms or crap like that. However, I have now have no excuses for not making a mess of my life. And I'm so fed up, and I'm so tired, and so insomniac-inclined I know I'll be like this forever. And I lost £15 today-my birthday money-the money I was going to treat myself with-buy two books, maybe something from Oxfam...and I lost it-I'm so stupid-it was my fault. I didn't put in my purse and it was just loose money, in my big pocket when I could have helped myself...
Will add later

Fri 25 Jun:

I'm a bit calmer today. I didn't cut myself last night and that was all down to Nik. I sent him and Ashley (my mystery 'soulmate' in a nutshell) a text asking if they were awake. Nik replied at last night-he left his phone downstairs, but he was awake...so I told him how distant I feel from happiness-because I know I have a lot to be thankful for, and I know people like me, and i know that I can do almost anything at these moments, and all I was doing was crying, off-balance because I wouldn't let cutting balance me anymore-it was getting too dangerous...

So I cried to him in text messages (we never call each other-its like we're scared, or shy, or something) and he told me to Focus. On all the little good things. One little good thing, like the cool side of the pillow or the stars escaping us at night. Then I replied that he was one of the good things in my life, and that I was so lost. He hasn't replied. I don't blame him. I can't lose him. I have to get back on my feet, and get busy. My exams are over and I was never bothered about them to really try...I guess it'll all come undone August 26th, and I'll see what damage I have done. Nik, if you're reading this, I'm sorry if i scared/worried/annoyed you. Just email me, or text me, or something. You have no idea how much you helped me last night. Thank you.