Monday, June 21, 2004

Pinpoint Ache

Okay, yesterday=hectic. My Dad nearly ruined the whole thing. He insisted that he needed to drive me down, or I'd definitely get lost, 'because I'm so crap with maps'. Which is true, lol but I can handle myself. Thanks to him, a typo on the map and too many one way streets, I was over a hour late-past schedule. Poor Alice had to stand on Waterloo bridge with her green frog umbrella till I found her and I could escape my idiot Dad.(I understand his cares, but I could've handled myself).

The walk was great-we crossed a bridge-don't ask me which one and went past the Tower of London, then James' Park and it started to piss down. All we had was Alice's tiny green umbrella, so I ended up clinging to her for most of the walk. I hadn't been in this part of London for an age, so it was nice to look at all these places I hadn't been to for years-Buckingham Palace, London Dungeon, London Eye, Art galleries, St Paul's, a good Starbucks (Caramel Frappucino with everything on it) and the Millennium bridge, back of the London Tower(I couldn't recognise it and I was wondering what the hell a castle was doing in Central London). Me and Alice chatted and sang (Agadoo, Kumbaya, Laura-Scissor Sisters) and met some cool people: some fit girls who were fussing over their wet jeans, some guys in pink wigs we were racing against-and won!, a man who sang 'Love Boat' and talked a hell of a lot about it, and just lots of random ppl. It was a lot of fun, but my legs are still killing me-sign that I really should lose weight..? It was worth it. Althogether between me Alice and her friend Ann-marie we raised £130 for people with HIV-made me feel proud. I had finally done something that had made my life matter.

At Potters' fields, we rested on our knees in soggy grass and got our faces painted as butterflies. In a haze of pink and green, we made our way home separately. Dad was supposed to pick me up, but got stuck in traffic and I ended up going home by train, as I had originally planned anyway! Oh, the irony...

Now I'm just tired, and devouring books, and listening to Jeff Buckley...yesterday, after the whole thing I got bored and came up with the 'brilliant' idea to read my 12-year old diary. I wanted to see if my feelings when I was 12-feelings that have haunted me since-were better, worse or the same to whatever they are now. It was horrible-I wanted to cut myself, I went on and on about suicide like a broken record, scared Maria to death-she needed me as well because she was actually cutting. She didn't tell me at the time, but two years later and I've beaten myself up about ever since, because she's one of my great loves. It wasn't a good year-panic attacks, solvent abuse etc and I didn't get any of it-how could I? That was when all the barriers set up when I was younger were reinforced with titanium.

I think I got the same sort of feelings, but less confusion because I know I'm not actually crazy and apparentely lots of people feel the same way and its a clinical depression. I can be saved(if I want to). Hmm, what I'm annoyed about in this blog, is that I'm so depressed. Its all about depression. I do smile, I have a great sense of humour, when I'm not alone and as long as there is something to distract me, there's a lot of laughter in my life. So the answer's simple-gotta start getting busy again. I have to go now-I'm setting up a bath to try and unstiffen my leg muscles, then I'm revising-I'll put more meat on this later...

(9:12pm). The bath was lovely-it was so hot it was steaming-just what I needed to take to out all the aches-I'm not so stiff now. In my diary, there was this one entry when I said I nearly cut myself :"I took the knife and walked into the middle of the room. I gently stroked it across the palm of my left hand. It felt sharp and jaggedy. Then I realised what I was doing and dropped the knife I had even made a mark. Night diary." Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I really should burn it. All my ideas came from there-to just experience pain and revel in it. Don't scream-increase the pain as much as you can and it will neutralise everything. Somehow it made sense at the time-because I was going crazy-I was having panic attacks over the phone and I was looking into prophecies to see if anything had anything to do with me. I wanted to be special so badly, I didn't help my friend when she was in need, and I almost lost her.

There's a double rainbow! Just thought I should say. I can't revise physics. Everytime I as much as look at a book I get a headache, and so I give up. Here's to a B grade...

2 comments:

Serialangel said...

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The Lioness said...

I re-read my diaries from adolescence and was so horrified I did burn them. I had actually managed to forget some of it, who needed to be remembered??? I am sorry I didn't keep the cute good bits, for there were some. I say auto-da-fé them!