Quickie

This is quick as I'm supposed to go to bed very soon. The walks tomorrow and I'm...excited and nervous. People are telling me I should prepare but I can walk for two hours...my Dad didn't know anything apart from that it was a walk and it was for charity. Now he's driving me down-to meet my internet friend, Alice. She's genuine, we got out loads but its really weird cos we met on GYUK...but no, everything should be OK. I am 16, he can't truly tell me what to do, but I should trust him more...

Today was hard. I was really happy in the morning despite my brother waking me at 5am because he was drunk and he had lost his keys. I slept till 10am and listened to Portishead-they're fantastic-I find they are all these songs I've heard snippets of in programmes but you never know who they actually are...
The day went down afterwards. I was trying to revise why all the Germans fell for Hitler in the 1930s (= extreme solutions for extreme situations...the way things are going, this sort of thing could happen in Britain in a few years...) and I felt so, deflated. Depressed. I was listening to Evanescence (mistake) and I just wanted to cry and cut, but today it was a 'no more tears' day because I can't just cry all the freaking time, I gotta be strong sometimes. So I ached to reach for my scissor god instead. I solved that easily, and just forced myself to work and keep still. Eventually Dad saved me and we did DIY for my Aunty Bev...

I was worried because my Mum came over yesterday. I do love her, but its not the same way of a mother-daughter relationship: we never fight, but we never have any really really special moments either. I can't see myself knowing her after I leave home. I don't know what to do with a stale relationship. I barely know her and her me. I should be sad, but she's not really a mum-never was. She's mother, but I don't call her that.

Unfortunately, that doesn't stop her having mother's intuition. She looked into my eyes and she could tell I was struggling, because I felt so cold inside (still do-kinda stale). She asked if I was Ok, and of course I lied with a medium-sized smile on my ugly face. Just because I'm on the verge of collapse, madness, fucked-up-ness or whatever it is, doesn't mean I've lost the ability to act. I do what I have to and cry when no one is looking.

I haven't lost this battle yet. Not by a long shot. I still haven't cut and I don't plan to. I have a charity walk. I have exams. I have to come out to my family. I have to live my life and become everything I've dreamed of. Cutting, is not a part of it. Just gotta stay positive...somehow.
Later! Any Walk Of Life ppl-I'll see you inthe National Theatre!