Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Scared of myself

Not really. But I am worried. I almost had a fantastic day yesterday, hanging out with this girl called Alice around Central London-I have to make up a million lies, but its always worth it.
And then, as I was at one of the acton stops, waiting for a train that would take me to Ealing Broadway instead of Heathrow, the train came. I was mesmerized, fully by the tracks. I imagined myself falling and letting the small train wheels crush me, and I began to lean in. I caught myself just in time, but now I can't stop thinking about it.

I've gone to the dark place, and I don't know how long I might be staying here this time. I just feel completely lost. Totally alone. Like its all my fault.
I'm just the fun, intelligne,t inquisitive fun lesbian at school. I thought I'd miss it but then I looked back and realised i didn't really know anyone. That after all this time, I was still utterly alone. And I didn't mind. But I don'y like dying. I'm just a coward like most people. But now I can't concentrate and I can't stop crying. There's too much at stake for me to fall apart now. I'm in the middle of my GCSEs. The last time I nearly fell apart I almost failed, all on my part.
I'm actually 16 on Saturday...and I want to be happy that day. Almost content with the amount of revision, or least the goings over in my head. I don't want to worry about falling apart and destroying my life in such a cliched way.

To anyone who has never been here before, welcome, people, to the Dark Place. I don't know how long I'm staying.

1 comment:

The Lioness said...

Probably a while longer - but have I told you it gets better? Reading some of your posts brings back that metallic taste in my mouth. I was so miserable as a teenager! I still have thoughts like that, while on high balconies, near railways etc. Common sense and psychiatry will tell me it's because of my unconscious death wish. Fine. As long as it stays unconscious. I'm pretty happy with my conscious life. Most of the time anyway.