Not really. But I am worried. I almost had a fantastic day yesterday, hanging out with this girl called Alice around Central London-I have to make up a million lies, but its always worth it.
And then, as I was at one of the acton stops, waiting for a train that would take me to Ealing Broadway instead of Heathrow, the train came. I was mesmerized, fully by the tracks. I imagined myself falling and letting the small train wheels crush me, and I began to lean in. I caught myself just in time, but now I can't stop thinking about it.
I've gone to the dark place, and I don't know how long I might be staying here this time. I just feel completely lost. Totally alone. Like its all my fault.
I'm just the fun, intelligne,t inquisitive fun lesbian at school. I thought I'd miss it but then I looked back and realised i didn't really know anyone. That after all this time, I was still utterly alone. And I didn't mind. But I don'y like dying. I'm just a coward like most people. But now I can't concentrate and I can't stop crying. There's too much at stake for me to fall apart now. I'm in the middle of my GCSEs. The last time I nearly fell apart I almost failed, all on my part.
I'm actually 16 on Saturday...and I want to be happy that day. Almost content with the amount of revision, or least the goings over in my head. I don't want to worry about falling apart and destroying my life in such a cliched way.
To anyone who has never been here before, welcome, people, to the Dark Place. I don't know how long I'm staying.